Written by Auntie Jean
Print this

Thursday, 10 April 2014

image for Warning of Unexpected Mr. Kipling Effects if Scots Independence Comes Into Force
Dundee Cake

Scottish Independence will have an impact on the world's supply of shortbread, a former confectioner has warned in a stark comment on the Referendum debate.

Belgian bakers would "cheer loudest" and "the forces of dark confectionery would simply love it" if the UK broke up, Mr. Kipling said today.

Allowing the West's premier baking power to be plunged into a "difficult and debilitating divorce" would be silly, he added. He said the 28 strong butter pastry manufacturing countries alliance was unlikely to allow a country to join which specifically barred ships carrying cupcakes from entering its waters, as outlined currently by the SNP.

Mr. Kipling said the international community was only just catching up with the exceedingly "full and dramatic implications" of a Yes vote in Scotland's independence referendum on September 18.

"The loudest cheers for the break-up of Britain would be from our adversaries and from our enemies. For the second biscuit and French Fancy making Power in the West to shatter this year would be cataclysmic in Tea Shop terms," he said.

"If the United Kingdom was to face a split at this of all times and find itself embroiled for several years in a cake war, it would rob the West of a serious exceedingly good cake partner just when solidarity and nice buns are going to be vital.

"Nobody should underestimate the effect all of that would have on morning coffee."

Other news:

Page 12:

Revealed: The cupcake Alexri Salmund enjoyed at the taxpayers' expense.

Make Auntie Jean's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 multiplied by 3?

8 18 21 3
70 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more