Written by EasyWriter
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Sunday, 12 November 2006

image for Beware Managers with Brain Leak
Example of a manager's brain: Yellow areas show leak points

Baltimore, MD - Researchers at Johns Hopkins University revealed that workplace micro-management is caused, in part, by a brain condition known as bulorisus or "Brain Leak".

"Essentially, the brain is full of fluids. People with Brain Leak are not able to retain some key fluids, which creates symptoms like anxiety, hyper-awareness, hyper-criticism and aggression."

In the Johns Hopkins studies, 43% of Fortune 500 executives were found to have the condition, compared to just 11% of the control group, made up primarily of fast-food workers and those who attended live sporting events.

"This proves conclusively that bad bosses cannot control their micro-management tendencies through training or self-control, and explains the woeful inability of company training and HR groups to have an impact on workplace dynamics. Bosses with Brain Leak must be treated medically."

In particular, say researchers, bosses with Brain Leak lack the ability to understand logic or factual data. "They really are in a state of extreme agitation. Facts and logic only upset them further."

Asked about their plans to study the issue further, one researcher responded "This is an exciting area, which could significantly enhance the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans. But our stupid boss wants us to work on something else."

Already, several pharmaceutical companies are investigating medical treatments for Brain Leak. Abbot Labs public relations spokesperson, Jane Wylie, immediately called a press conference and gleefully told a packed room "It's so exciting when issues like micro-management become medical issues! We're running out of ideas for new drugs, and that hurts our stock performance, so this news is just great. We've already moved the team that was working on a cure for diabetes onto this new and promising problem."

Asked what kinds of drugs they had planned, Wylie weepily recalled her own troubling experiences with micro-managing bosses, then offered "I don't know what kind of treatment it will be, but I hope it will be invasive and painful."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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