Mr Frank Enstein, British born managing director of the Monsanto Corporation is to given a knighthood, sponsored by his very good friend David Cameron. In return for this prestigious honour he has promised to make all UK citizens life members of the famed Monsanto Mutants Club, free of charge. Wow!
There is however a slight catch to this most generous offer. We must immediately begin importing Monsanto genetically engineered food products into the UK. In as little as four generations, genetic modification of the UK's inhabitants will begin to show effects with the growth of tails and also the enlargement of feet to counter the myriad potholes on UK roads. Tails will be of great advantage to the aged, especially if they stumble when climbing stairs, said Mr Enstein scratching his left testicle with his enlarged proboscis.
Another welcome advantage is that most males will develope a twelve-inch penis. Don't get your hopes up yet fellers, the females will tend to grow bigger cunts. On the plus side female arseholes will remain the same size as present in order to retain control over bowel movements. Intragel should do quite well with increased sales and also that good old standby,Vaseline.
We hear that Mick Jagger is so crestfallen at the loss of his beloved L'wren that he seems to have lost the will to live. He has converted to Hinduism and planned an outdoor cremation for her where he intends to a reverse Suttee, by climbing aboard the coffin to self immolate. This proceedure is normally done by the female, but he wishes to be different. We tastefully suggest there is enough spare room on the coffin for the rest of his geriatric team to join him,if they so wish.
Ed Millband welcomed Mick's intention, saying it would be one less pension for the cash strapped state to payout