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Wednesday, 19 March 2014

image for UK budget details in more detail
As they say in Yorkshire, Tax, eee by gum.

Details of the 2104 UK budget were released by the Government ahead of the Chancellor's statement. This is in an attempt to save people time and effort listening to the whole speech.

The way income tax is collected will be changing. In an effort to save HMRC making all the errors they normally do and allowing huge corporations to tax dodge, people can now pay what they see fit. So if you've had a bad year, just tick the newly added "living offshore" box on your tax return and you'll hear nothing more about it.

Spam email is brought into the tax net for the first time. A rate of 40% will be charged on all sums from the relatives of the recently deceased Nigerian Oil Ambassador, so, for example, if you are in line to receive £12½ million from him, I'm afraid you're only going to receive £7½ million from now on.

There is a new 50% VAT rate on football supporters who throw coins. From now on, anyone who wants to throw £1 coins will have to convert them into change first, with 50p going to the Chancellor. The remaining 50p, whether a singular coin or various pieces of change can then be thrown at footballers. However, the tax rate increased to 75% for throwing coinage at footballers with foreign-sounding names.

A new 15% tax is being introduced for ruining the English language, in particular dropping the letter "t". For example, the annoying berk in the Sky adverts with his "mumfs" (months) and "game of frones" (thrones) will attract this new 15% tax on his two mispronunciations each time he uses them.

HR will attract a new "Useless" tax of 65% because it is so, er, useless. This high rate of tax is to help encourage the wiping out of this truly dysfunctional utility. Any businesses with more than two people in their HR department will attract a rate of corporation tax of 85%.

In an effort to stimulate the economy, a new TOVAT (Tax on Value Added Tax) in being introduced and added onto the existing 20% rate of VAT. So each time you pay VAT, you will no have to pay a further 20% rate of tax on that VAT.

A new RAT (Reality Added Tax) is being introduced for anyone applying to take part in a reality show on television. And anyone who succeeds in a public afterlife as a "celebrity" and earns money as a result of their appearance will have to pay a TAT (Talentless Added Tax).

Fags, beer and petrol will also increase in price.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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