Written by Christian Nacaspaca
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Topics: Theft

Sunday, 16 March 2014

image for Business magnate sentenced to 25 years to life in maximum-security federal penitentiary for stealing a loaf of bread
Authorities raid the Hawke compound

Mike Hawke, CEO of Blue Blood Pharmaceuticals, appeared before the Honorable Judge Colin Stern, this afternoon and was sentenced to 25 years to life in prison for what Forbes declared "The Crime of the 21st Century".

The incident in question took place at a local 7-Eleven in Lower Manhattan on February 14, 2013. The act occurred at approximately 10:00PM. The perpetrator was on his way home from his mistress' apartment when he received a call from his wife informing him that they were out of bread. Being the faithful husband that he is, the perpetrator stopped by the nearest 7-Eleven and entered. Upon realizing that no clerk was available at the register, he took a loaf of bread and fled the scene.

What the perpetrator didn't know, was that the entire incident was captured on the store's CCTV cameras. The store clerk, Sulinder, who was on the clock at the time of the theft, recounted the incident: "By 10:00 I had already drunk six cans of crab juice. I needed to go, bad. I was only gone two minutes and when I came back, a loaf of bread was gone. I called 911 right away".

The first police officers present at the crime scene wasted no time in checking the surveillance cameras. It was only a matter of time before Mike Hawke was identified. A team composed of NYPD officers, New York State Sheriffs, National Guardsmen, Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, CIA agents, and The Expendables was dispatched to Hawke's compound. After a brief standoff, Hawke surrendered to authorities.

Hawke was booked on grand larceny charges. Hawke pled not guilty; however, the jury thought otherwise. After a long and costly trial, Hawke was convicted of grand larceny. Today, he appeared before the court to receive his sentence. Judge Stern expressed his disdain for Hawke during the sentencing, calling Hawke "twisted" and condemning his acts as "heinous". He showed no remorse when he slammed his gavel and sentenced Hawke to 25 years to life in prison. Hawke is eligible for parole ten Super Bowls from now.

Mayor de Blasio, addressed the Hawke trial in today's press conference: "It is one thing to embezzle millions of dollars; consequently, bankrupting a company, and costing thousands of people their jobs, but what Mike Hawke did was perverse and it left a huge stain on this beautiful city".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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