A NEIGHBORHOOD NEAR YOU -- Costco's sales have declined as millennials take their place as adults in society's workforce.
Used to living at home and having mom and dad foot their bills, many of the latest generation don't want to own a house, much less a car. They're just as happy living on the street and pushing shopping carts they've liberated from supermarket parking lots--and shopping carts and cardboard boxes don't have much room for the bulk sales Costco needs for its survival.
Once the last millennial finally moves out of his or her parents' house, right at about the time Obummercare won't permit him or her to remain on mom and dad's health insurance any longer, Costco can say goodbye to him or her, probably forever.
In a desperate move that insiders see as futile, Costco will attempt to woo millennials by offering them more organic foods and allowing them to buy online. In addition, executives plan to hide their corporate necks in the sand.
The company is also expected to endorse amnesty for illegal immigrants whose family includes at least one millennial. "That tactic alone should add a few million new customers," a Costco analyst suggested. In preparation for their addition to the ranks of American consumers, Costco is laying in supplies of tacos, salsa, refried beans, and other "Latino staples."
Eventually, executives are confident, younger shoppers will 'come around." After all, they have to grow up sometime, and the alternative to Costco is Walmart, which millennials, like their parents, detest.