Last week, giant chicken chain KFC announced their intentions to begin frying their foods in a healthier oil. Not to be outdone, other fast food restaurants have jumped on the bandwagon. McDonalds, the largest of these, has announced plans to begin frying all of their foods in a completely cholesterol and fat free solution.
Dilbert Pickle, spokesman for the company, issued the following statement: "We have discovered a product that contains no fat, no sodium, no cholesterol, no calories, no carbohydrates, no starches, and nothing else unhealthy for our bodies. It is our intention, beginning at the start of next month, to begin frying all of our formerly deep fat fried foods in distilled water. The nutritional value of our food will increase and we will be providing a healthier product to our customers."
When told of this decision, KFC representative Don Drumstick had mixed feelings. "While I must applaud McDonalds on their goal of serving a healthier french fry or chicken McNugget, I question their cooking medium. Frying is not the term you use for cooking in water; I think that they call that boiling. I doubt that people are going to want to eat boiled little pieces of potato with salt and ketchup on them. I doubt that kids are going to want to dip little pieces of boiled chicken into their sweet and sour sauce or honey mustard." McDonalds really needs to go back to the drawing board on this one.
Not to be outdone by these two giant chains, Burger King announced that they will begin frying their foods in a new medium. Debra Onionskin of the chain announced that they will "immediately begin using an air based medium for all of our frying. Our fried foods will now be placed in a hot air environment of 350 degrees and cooked over drainage racks. Not only will our foods be cooked without grease, but also any grease or oils inherent in the foods will drip out and be removed. Our chicken tenders will be a much healthier product."
KFC's Drumstick was also surprised by this new announcement. "Baking. We call that baking. You put food into an oven and bake it. I'm sure that we've all purchased that shake and bake stuff or bought that bag of oven cooked French fries in the frozen section at our grocery store. I'm sorry, but they're just not as good as the real thing! Baking works for bread or for cake, but it doesn't cut it for fries, onion rings, or corn dogs. Why do you think they call them fries. What's going to happen next? Is Wendy's going to try to cook their food through osmosis or mental command?
"All that is going to happen with this is that McDonalds is going to be a better choice for the senior citizens and old folks'homes who all want their food boiled and flavorless."
In a related story, makers of the acne cream Clearasil have sued KFC, McDonalds, and Burger King and announced that they will be selling their stock in all three chains.