HOLLYWEIRD, CA -- Reeling from the backlash of conservative and family values groups that followed the outing of company gay CEO, Mickey Mouse--by himself, no less--the entertainment giant, suffering a decline in sales that has rocked its bottom line, has laid off a quarter of its workforce.
Dale, of The Chip and Dale Dancers, an exotic dance team who entertains clients on theme park Gay Days and at other corporate-sponsored gay get-togethers, was among those terminated, as was his long-time domestic and business partner, Chip.
"This comes as quite a shock," Dale said. He and Chip believed, as did so many of their former colleagues, that they had a "lifelong career". "To find ourselves cast aside like this is horrible."
The layoff of 25,000 employees allows the company to "refocus" on its "core values," and to "remember our origin and purpose."
Critics of the company suggest that Mouse's monstrous layoff of employees is part of his ongoing plan to "revolutionize and revitalize" to accord with his shareholders' expectations that he put "profits ahead of political correctness." Instead of "going gay," as Mouse had planned, it appears, insiders say, that the CEO must "rethink" his goals and objectives.
"Mom and Pop, like Junior and Sis, call the shots," a rival business' executive said. "Mouse forgot that, the same way that JC Penney forgot that straight women, not lesbians, buy their clothes, Ellen or no Ellen."
"You can't run a company as you like," a financial consultant contends, "if what you like is not to your customers' taste, and, it seems, most customers are not enthused about the Mouse's campaign to "gay up" the company, its products, and its entertainment venues. "Mom, Pop, Junior, and Sis are not as much interested in what people are or are not doing in the privacy of their bedrooms. The Mouse seems to have been reminded of that by his customers' backlash."
Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck, who were recently fired after Mouse and his long-time lover, Donald Duck, outed themselves, have been contacted about returning to work as the lover's "beards."
"We need you," Mouse wrote to them, offering both substantial raises if they will agree once again to be the duo's girlfriends. "In the entertainment business, all that counts is appearances," Mouse said, "and we're willing to pay big bucks to appear to be what our customers want us to be."
Donald agrees. "Eigh-uh wren whoaking on my lisk agin," he announced.
"And I've been working on not lisping," Mouse said, with a wink, "except in private."