HOLLYWEIRD, CA - Mickey Mouse stunned the world with his announcement, recently, that he is gay.
"My relationship with Minnie is a sham," he confessed. "All these years, she's been nothing more to me than a beard, you know, to hide who I really am."
Mickey said he feels "comfortable" outing himself now that gay marriage has been legalized in many states and the Obummer administration is supporting gays and their agenda "like never before."
As a result of his "outing" himself, Mickey, having taken over as CEO, says "big changes are coming".
For starters, he has fired Minnie. "Now that I'm out, there's no need for her services," he said. "I no longer need a beard."
He has also made his long-secret relationship with Donald Duck known. He and Donald, Mickey said, have been "closeted lovers" for decades. Donald's "nephews," he added, "are really their sons by adoption."
Daisy was a beard for Donald, just as Minnie was for Mickey, and Daisy has also been laid off. "Her services are no longer required," Mickey declared. "I'm just fine with Donald's services to me, as he is with mine to him, thank you very much."
Gay days will become an official, rather than an unofficial, event at the amusement parks, hotels, and resorts, both in the U. S. and abroad, and the studios will produce an entire line of gay films, some of which, Mickey admits, "may not be suitable for children."
Moreover, Mickey has ordered his company to cease its funding of scouts. "That's a homophobic organization," he explained. "They don't let gay people in, and I find that reprehensible in an outfit that supposedly caters to boys."
Instead of funding scouts, Mickey is considering financing a whole new youth organization aimed at boys from every nation, every creed, every social class, and every race and religion, possibly to be named Gay Blades.
Minnie and Daisy said they feel "betrayed" by Mickey. "We remained single all these years so he and Donald could pretend to be "just friends", and, now that they've outed themselves, they cast us aside as if we're so much garbage. I guess Mickey's actions show what he thinks of females."
"No," Mickey clarified, upon hearing of Minnie's and Daisy's complaint, "my actions show what I think of boys."