Written by Keith Shirey
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Friday, 28 February 2014

Many people have called New Jersey the "Armpit of America" for several reasons:

1. The state creates too much garbage and wastes. 2. It has more than a hundred toxic waste dumps, which is the highest of all the states. 3. It is the largest chemical producing state in the US. ?4. It is noted for its dull neighborhoods.

Adding insult to injury are the jokes about "bridgegate" and yesterday's revelation of Gov. Christies aides' conversations that reveal them to be social psychopaths who hugely enjoyed creating suffering when traffic lanes on the George Washington Bridge were closed down.

Now, Unilever Corp., which owns Dove, has embarked on an ad campaign, which tells women to love their armpits. The promotion encourages the flaunting of that part of the body and suggests that women should use the term "armpit," not "underarm."

As part of the campaign Dove billboards have been placed throughout the state of New Jersey.

"Dear New Jersey," says the billboard, which features a woman wearing a white tank top and displaying her underarm. "When people call you the 'armpit of America,' take it as a compliment. Sincerely, Dove."

Gloria Allred, 34, a resident of Scranton upon seeing the billboard stated, "First comes Hurricane Sandy, the bridge scandal, and now these god-damn billboards which make New Jersey a punch line. And that's supposed to be somehow witty, funny? Dove can take their deodorants and soap bars and shove them where the sun don't shine."

Simone de Beauvoir, 53, a resident of Broken Urinal, took the ad campaign quite personally.

"Now I'm anxious about my armpits. I never was before. I've been worried about our 32-year-old son who's come back home to live with us. Now there's something else to make me sweat," she stated.

Ms. De Beauvoir concluded, " I'll need an industrial strength deodorant now but it sure as heck won't be Dove."

At the North American headquarters of Unilever, in Englewood, Cliffs, N.J., Jean-Jaques Rousseau - the man in charge of the "Love Your Armpit" campaign - was seen stumbling out of the building, a security guard by his side, with his private possessions in a large box.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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