Written by King David
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Topics: Alcohol

Sunday, 29 October 2006

image for Winery Opens - Residents Wake Up With Hangovers
Cock of Ages Winery

CURDLED MILK-N.C.-Just as the fog was beginning to settle in the early morning hours of this small, rural community located in the southern bible belt of the United States, residents awoke to a fog settling in over their brains.

Hurting heads and BC powders were the norm this morning in this sleepy town 10 miles south of the Virginia border and was the result of a new winery celebrating its grand opening last night. The Cock of Ages wine estate, operated by local residents Calvin and Beverley Devine, had it's grand opening last night as many bottles were uncorked to celebrate the occasion.

Two hours into the celebration, however, celebrants became increasingly drunk and before the night was over the mayor was seen swinging by the chandelier and singing at the top of his lungs, "Oh I wish I was in the land of cotton. Old times there are now forgotten. Look away. Look away. Look away Dixie Land."

One gray-haired resident who wanted to remain anonymous said that, "they haven't had so much fun here since the boys came home from the war." It wasn't clear to journalists which war he was talking about the Civil War or WWII.

When asked where the name Cock of Ages came from, Calvin Devine said with a laugh that it was named after his old rooster, Barney who lived to be 100 years old and mated with over 1000 hens. "Folks around here know I have a sense of humor," he said and pointed to a bottle.

When asked what gave him the idea for a winery, he told reporters, "Folks around here have been repressed by the protestant work ethic for over 100 years; they need to loosen up! They need easy access to sin. They've been too good all their lives and need to get into trouble. Otherwise, they will continue living as if they were posing for American Gothic."

For over a hundred years churches have been the central gathering place for communities such as this one in the South. "It's time to shake things up. Get some creative juices flowing," Devine said, "Change things a little. Your wife wants to get out of the house, man!"

Comments from residents attending the opening night ranged from "Awesome!" to "Amazing!", "Incredible!" and "This wine is pure good shit!"

Church attendance was down this morning following the winery opening. "Nobody is going to want to get up and go to church in the morning with a hangover like that," commented pastor, Jim Fever. "They're all going to hell!"

In other news today from Unhappy Valley, a recall has been issued for all wines made under the Barefoot Wine label. A curious fungus was found in the wine when someone complained of stomach cramps after drinking several glasses.

Lab tests performed on the wine determined that the cause of the man's stomach cramps was due to a fungus known as tinea pedis, or commonly known as athlete's foot. Investigators traced the infecting fungus to the feet of grape stomper, Luiz Ramirez who complained that his feet had been itching for some time.

A spokesmen for the vineyard could not be reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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