Written by Samuel Vargo
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Monday, 6 January 2014

image for Want to Buy Fake Likes? Bogus YouTube Comments? Tip Twitter? Try a Spider Monkey's Ingenuity!

Monkey Business Corporation, a computer-based operative based on Port-au-Prince in the Caribbean Islands, is the home of a brand new IT dynamo which acts as a stalwart spin-doctoring entity for bogus celebrities, up-and-coming confidence men, and fraudulent causes and foundations.

Facebook was launched nearly a decade ago and its users have always attempted to use this very blue-bordered and ultra-popular social media venue for fame, profit, and even notoriety.

Even with good and the great, the eclat - like the U.S. State Department - hedging in on bogus Facebook likes, Twitter fans, and YouTube viewers, Monkey Business is banking on the wide-open market of profiteering on PR twisting and politicized spin-doctoring. And it's using primates such as spider monkeys, chimpanzees, along with more robust and gangly gibbons to get its points across.

"We have a big working room with 1,000 PCs inside and 1,200 spider monkeys toil in rotations to click 'likes' on Facebook pages. After clicking 500 'likes', each of these primates gets a five-minute break to woof down two bananas," said SeventeenFifth Crucibal, Monkey Business CEO and CFO.

The monkeys work in assembly line fashion, moving from PC to PC and from Facebook page to Facebook page or YouTube video to YouTube video. The spider monkeys have no problems operating a mouse and even seem to like using this electronic contraption. The chimps are dexterous and seem well adapted to also manipulate computer keyboards and do so with seeming ease.

"For them, these computer gadgets are like pet toys. It's all just a game. They're being mentally challenged, so there's much good in what we're giving them. And although by working normal 15-hour shifts, they leave for their big sleeping quarters very exhausted, some of them are smiling. They know they're accomplishing something here at Monkey Business Corporation.

"At any rate, we're dancing to the bank and back and these apes will always have a home here. If they do their jobs well, that is," Crucibal said.

"In another room, we have 500 chimpanzees working on YouTube PR distortion tactics. The chimps are trained to call up videos that their makers and owners want to have more activity on - it's all for greater web exposure. Plain and simple as that. Each time one of the chimps calls up one of these videos, it registers as a 'watch' on YouTube and subsequently digits up one numeral on the YouTube counter," Crucibal said.

"The chimpanzees, which have a higher cognition and intelligence level than spider monkeys, have also been trained to type in nifty little comments under these videos like Nice, I like this, Groovy, Shazam!!!, Amazing, Wow!; and for showing disapproval or disdain: Horrible, Terrible, SMH and OMG; and for videos that are satiric or funny, the occasional Bust a gut, LMFAO, ???!, or the simpler LOL.

"We haven't had any videos go viral yet, but some definitely came close," Crucibal mentioned. "One of our customers paid us a hefty twenty grand for a video of a two-year-old blowing up a balloon at a Big Bob's Cheeseburger grand opening in Fort Myers, Fla., and we manipulated 50,000 watches and garnished 568 comments. We had the chimps working double and triple shifts on this 38-second bit of nothingness and they were downing a lot of cappuccinos and espressos to keep the dream alive."

Giving the ever-important thumbs up icon on Facebook is a good way to building a fortune in revenues for Monkey Business. And with such a backlog of work - with even some potential customers put on the waiting list - Monkey Business is soon going to bring in another 3,000 spider monkeys and 500 more chimpanzees. The company is planning on adding another 50,000 square foot office along with an additional 7,000 PC work stations.

Monkey Business uses the bigger primate, the gibbon, as a species of floor supervisors. These big, nasty apes bite and scratch the much smaller spider monkeys that are not performing up to par.

"They're great bosses for the little guys. They keep them working and these obnoxious little creatures know there is to be no lollygagging on the floor. Those fingers are tap, tap, tapping away like a roomful of old gray hairs at a riverboat slot-machine sling fest," Crucibal said.

"The gibbons also walk the floor of the chimpanzees' computer room. They don't create nearly the hostile work environment as compared to the spider monkey room, but they bare their fangs, make horrible cries, and use all sorts of weird sounds and limb actions to intimidate the chimps," Crucibal said.

"We have one YouTube video of a garage band playing heavy metal music in Jersey City, N.J., and the song they have us promoting is so horrible and off-key that it scares the chimps whenever they call it up.

"But we have to teach them to go beyond this. Even though they might not like the music, or in the case of this video, the horrid cacophony, there's money to be made. They have to realize they've got to keep their long digits moving on the keyboards and the mouses. There is no time for monkey business or horse play here," Crucibal said.

The apes are having true challenges making Twitter tweets, however, and struggle with creation of hashtags. "We'll get over this hump. We're thinking of putting 500 or 600 of the spider monkeys in little chairs with electrical wires attached to their skulls. Every time they make a hashtag that isn't right, they'll get a good jolt of old Thomas Edison. They'll learn," the CEO and CFO said.

So far, the ownership is very pleased with its labor pool. The best part of the deal is that Monkey Business's workers work for bananas. The only time there was labor-management friction was during a shift when the gibbons had no fruit to feed the workers.

"Those monkeys went absolutely ape shit for a good hour or so. Some of them even destroyed a few PCs, so we had to take them to the nearest animal shelter and have them put down as hostile and belligerent pets," Crucibal mentioned.

None of the chimpanzees or spider monkeys were available for comment. Even those on five-minute breaks did not want to take a short time-out to try to communicate with this reporter, since they were too busy eating bananas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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