Written by Matt Brown
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Monday, 30 December 2013

Technofiles rejoice! Apple have unveiled the latest addition to their ever expanding army of sense assaulting machines. 5S-teve! Included with this release will be a free download of IOS Jobs.

The update comes with ruthless business acumen, folding arms, specs as well as the trademark black turtleneck/blue jeans combo that you all know and love.

The model is also 0.12mm thinner and comes in two different colour schemes. White and slightly less white.

This latest iteration of Apple's iconic pioneer is set to hit stores on Christmas Day and it is expected to retail at around £10,000.

With it will come 'Jobsearch' where consumers can identify and then 'spy'/track on the nearest 1,000 other sheep who also have this new model. The device can be placed in a flat or upright position and thanks to Siri now barks, begs and jumps on command.

In other news independent distributor of smartphone help-manuals 'Hitchhiker's guide to the Samsung Galaxy', a monthly magazine in which every issue includes a drunken hobo you picked up on the side of the road relentlessly smashing your Samsung galaxy against his own face before asking you for space change and or whisky until you politely have to ask him to leave your truck as you fear for your life. Yes them, they have gone out of business.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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