Written by Adam Click
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Topics: Books, FDA, Amazon, drugs

Sunday, 29 December 2013

image for Amason.org to Deliver Books Intravenously
A model demonstrates Amason's new product "The Intravenous Book" delivered via their home phlebotomy kit.

Amason.org, the world's largest internet goods purveyor, has announced plans to deliver novels and other books directly to the reader in the quickest manner possible-via intravenous Infusion. Fancy some Proust? Interested in Ivanhoe? "The Dickens", you say? That too, will be available for immediate consumption if Amason.org can clear one last, daunting hurdle.

Food and Drug Administration regulations state that only trained phlebotomists can start an intravenous Infusion. phlebotomists are both scarce and expensive. Amason.org hopes to get around this problem by offering a home Phlebotomy kit for use with their liquid literature.

"It's really a very simple procedure." explain Vladimir "The Impaler" Tepes, Director of Development for Amason.org. "All you have to do is know how to apply a tourniquet and tell the difference between a vein and an artery. After that you just hook up the IV and away you go. Mark Twain, anybody?"

The FDA is not so easily swayed however. It issued a statement in that regard and followed that up with a letter to all parties involved. In short the agency is not only concerned with the idea of people injecting themselves with literature but also with the idea that people might resort to mix their liquid diet of books with disastrous results.

"The idea that you might mix "My Dinner With Andrea" with "Great Expectations" and come away with "Great Indigestion" is frightening." according to Ms. Misty Eyce, Food and Drug Administration spokesperson. "And that's just for starters!"

For now the government and Amason.org are at loggerheads and if Amason.org doesn't do it some one else probably will. Says Ms. Eyce: "You could very easily have people in back alleys shooting up "Green eggs And Ham" if we don't nip this in the bud."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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