Written by Gail Farrelly
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Tuesday, 19 November 2013

image for Santa's Workshop to Be a Public Corporation; Elves Furious
He'll be ringing jingle bells at the NYSE!

Everybody's doin' it. Going public, that is. It's the rage these days. So Santa Claus figured: why not?

Within the next two weeks, there'll be an IPO (initial public offering) of stock in Santa's workshop.

Santa's elves are furious. They know that once the Wall Streeters take control, change will be in the works. The elves are bristling at the rumor that little people will no longer be high-priority as far as employment goes. Following the rules of Affirmative Action, people of all sizes and shapes will now be equally considered for jobs. Phooey, say the elves, pointing out that big folks will take up too much room in Santa's workshop and will inadvertently break some favorite creations. One elf complained, "The next thing you know, Bigfoot will be lumbering in and wanting a job here. Ridiculous."

Santa's Christmas Eve trip around the world is a thing of the past. "Too risky," claim the insurers. Instead, local delivery services will be used. "Right, and we all know how reliable they are," sniffed Mrs. Claus, with a tear in her eye.

Oh, and on the subject of insurance, Rudolph's red nose and Frosty the Snowman's corncob pipe have been insured by Lloyd's of London.

Production in the workshop is way behind schedule, one elf reports, as Santa is spending an inordinate amount of time planning for his trip to New York City to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange two days before Christmas.

Just in case you're wondering, it won't be the usual staid bell. In keeping with the season, Santa will be using jingle bells to announce the opening of the NYSE on that day.

And he'll be wearing a brand-new, red pinstriped suit!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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