Written by Valde Sapiens
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Thursday, 19 September 2013

image for Instead of MBAs, Wall St firms will now hire Bullies from Middle Schools

In a joint press conference held on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange several Wall Street banking and investment firm executives issued a statement about the future direction of talent acquisition in the beleaguered industry. It was made public that instead of trolling the campuses of elite business schools looking for fresh meat the major forces in the financial sector will be checking out middle schools across the country to hire interns.

"Nowadays, we are often perceived as too soft," said Mr. Lloyd C. Blankfein, CEO and Chairman of powerhouse investment bank Goldman Sachs. "We are operating more covertly than ever. Many of our more creative transactions are being done under the table, away from public sight. This is not consistent with the spirit of Wall Street," he added. "Our tradition has always been one of defiance and boldness, when we have cheated in the past, we have done so openly and with full political and media support."

"We have become sissies," lamented Mr. Richard S. Fuld Jr., former CEO of now defunct Lehman Brothers, who had inspired the hundred and fifty year firm to a glorious bankruptcy a few years ago. "It is time to change this culture and return back to our days of openness and courage. Bullying has always been an integral part of our industry and we are now finding that the current breed of politically correct MBAs are not being able to live up to that credo," Mr. Fuld disclosed between puffs of cigar.

In response to a question from one of the reporters as to why the firms will be recruiting bullies from middle schools instead of high schools former Goldman trader Fabrice Tourre, otherwise known in intimate circles as 'Fabulous Fab', said, "this is a strategic decision. While we are all bullies, each firm has it's own homegrown and time tested way of bullying. We have noticed that by the time students reach high school they are too hardened and set in their bullying methodology. What we want here is raw talent and potential that our training departments will be able to mold into the firms' culture." Mr. Tourre was recently found guilty on six counts of securities fraud by a federal jury in a Manhattan civil court.

A spokesperson for The Consortium of Middle School Principals declined formal comment on this development. However, after several drags on high quality marijuana, legally purchased in a school cafeteria in Coloroado, he mentioned that the district welcomes this constructive solution to the bully problem that has been plaguing it for decades.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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