Written by Moe Nightwalker
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Topics: Wall Street, HR

Thursday, 29 August 2013

image for Wall Street Firms Truthful in Job Descriptions

Despite dishonesty in all other aspects of business on Wall Street, HR departments at the big brokerage firms are starting to be honest about hiring requirements. Recent job descriptions posted on-line are pleasantly realistic.

JP Horgan Paste is looking for a new trader. The job qualifications include "minimal skills and no ethics, ability to lose little old lady's money and not care, valid passport required for quick departures from country after committing white collar crime."

"After getting too many unqualified applicants, we decided to just lay out the truth," says Ray Rofrano, HR Director at T. Rows Cost. "A handful of traders have left the country after losing millions and even billions of dollars and we need to fill those positions quickly. We discovered honesty really does help, so we expanded the policy to all positions."

In an attempt to reduce lawsuits from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), many firms are also asking that women with large breasts (D cups or better) be considered "disadvantaged" in order to justify their hiring over women with smaller breasts. "It's just good business. What office doesn't benefit from a great rack at the reception desk?" said one married executive who wished to remain anonymous. Companies are happy to fill positions with these people of diversity, as long as they work for 75% pay and a bonus of three to six ass grabs per week.

One position still open at Infidelity Investments is intended to expand opportunities for handicapped individuals, specifically the blind. Infidelity posted in local newspapers for this preferred handicap because they can't see when the unethical traders are mocking them. Blind employees also tend to provide excellent, non-informational testimony at Congressional hearings regarding illegal activities.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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