The GEICO gecko is marrying Flo, the homely-yet-somehow-cute black-haired woman who seems to be Progressive Insurance's sole representative these days. The Aflac duck will serve as best man and Esurance's Erin will serve as Flo's maid of honor.
Also in attendance in the wedding party will be GEICO's Little Piggy Maxwell, MetLife's Snoopy and the Peanuts Gang, the banged-up 'Mayhem like me' guy from Allstate, the stumpy cartoon General from The General Automobile Insurance, three of GEICO's cavemen; Lincoln Insurance's "Big Daddy Pimp", Eagle Insurance's Eagleman and Eagle Woman, IFA Auto Insurance's "Flo Alternative" Martha, and a few nebulous regional Insurance company mascots that nobody's heard of or cares about.
"It's a grand bash that will include all these mascots, who happen to be in direct competition with each other in a corporate sense. All these characters, which should have all had short shelf lives on each of their respective advertisement serials, have developed distinct personalities after scores of advertisements have been produced. And they're getting more hideously grating than ever. I mean Aflac wanted people to send that stupid duck a get well card. How's about a sympathy note instead, after the duck got canned, then replaced by a manatee, walrus, fruit bat, gold fish, or even a sewer rat as a mascot?"
So a wedding had to come to pass, sooner or later. It's a group insurance advertisement so all these leviathan corporations will be chipping in to pay the overall tab.
"The commercial is estimated to last a half hour. There's deep pockets here. Very, very deep pockets, indeed. Expect to see this commercial at least 10 times, if you watch four hours of TV on any given day," said Montague G. Labrosia, official spokesperson for the Most Obnoxious Insurance Mascots of the Universe.
It will be a white wedding, of course, and Flo will be dressed in her usual drab pallid uniform, looking every much the dork. The gecko, which will have a tuxedo on, will be quipping his usual snippets in his British accent. The wedding party will be a hodgepodge of human and cartoon characters, making for a very unusual-looking group. Of course, expect a variety of slapstick antics posing as humor, and it will most likely just create a lot of anger, angst and ennui among TV watchers.
"Allstate's 'Mayhem like me' guy will be crashing the wedding from the sky, and he'll be dropped out of a plane 6,000 feet above. And get this, he won't be using a parachute. Yeah, he lives. He's cracking jokes after the fall. It's a crash test dummy that takes the plunge, not that goofball with the three-day growth, scuffed-up suit, and bandages on his face. It's a commercial, after all. So don't try this at home.
"What's the angle here? Para-jumping insurance? Plane insurance? Wedding insurance just in case something like this actually happens at your wedding? Who knows," Labrosia said.
Television sales are expected to go up after this commercial, as well. It's estimated that many viewers will become enraged with this sort of commercialized jail and will destroy their TVs in furious acts of rage, he said.
"It's all intended to piss people off," Labrosia said. "Any of their commercials are - it all comes down to brand recognition. And with anyone owning a car, motorcycle, boat, or house, needing to have insurance, the demand is inelastic - people are going to have to buy insurance no matter what it costs," Labrosia said.
"Insurance companies love to gloat in this fact and it seems they rub it in the public's face with these inane advertisements. Now it's come down to a long, drawn-out wedding between Flo and the lizard and everyone's invited. If you watch TV, you'll have to be there. Switch channels and guess what? The wedding's on there, too. Use the remote button again and you're hearing "Here Comes the Bride".
"It seems as if insurance companies have nothing better to do with their windfall revenues than to produce aggravating commercials using obnoxious characters. It's all in a name and as long as insurance companies really get your goat, they'll have you remembering the names of their corporations," Labrosia said.
"The disturbing fact that in this upcoming advertisement, a human woman will be marrying a tiny reptile would be deemed illegal and immoral in the U.S.A., even in California or New York," Labrosia said.
"But this conglomerate advertising group simply doesn't care. As long as viewers remember the name of their company, that's all that matters. And you'll have to pick one, or usually a few, of these mascot names who are in the wedding, or at least in attendance, if you don't want to be uninsured. Believe me, you don't ever want to tell a cop who cites you for speeding that you have no insurance. It's do not pass go, do not collect any Monopoly money, you're going straight to jail."