Written by CaptainSausage
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Friday, 9 August 2013

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Vegetarians: don't know what's good for them

Thanks to a one-man campaign by gourmet chef Roland Dough, vegetarian restaurants are about to be banned throughout Europe. In actual fact, they will only need to serve one non-vegetarian dish to comply with the new regulations, but that will effectively mean that they are no longer vegetarian.

Mr Dough began his crusade after an evening out with his wife, who is vegetarian. She had insisted on taking him to a veggie restaurant, despite his love of meat. He was furious that the restaurant refused to sell him anything containing dead animals, and pointed out that the previous week they had visited his favourite steak restaurant, who had no problem providing a salad for his partner.

There was a simple hypocrisy here, he explained. Non-vegetarian restaurants always have a couple of veggie meals on their menu, but vegetarian restaurants never have any meat dishes on theirs. He took the problem up with the European Equalities Commission, who were only too happy to take up his cause.

As of this October, vegetarian restaurants will cease to exist in the EU. They will all have to sell meat dishes or risk being closed down.

Other food fad restaurants are worried about their future too. Jennifer Skin is a decaphage - she only eats foods that have ten letters in their name. Most days, she eats cornflakes, blancmange, sauerkraut and horseflesh.

She recently opened a restaurant in central London to cater for other decaphages, but is now concerned that the new EU regulations will force her to sell such dishes as tagliatelli, frankfurters and huckleberries.

"I just don't know what to do," she said, gnawing on some Gorgonzola. "When will this madness end?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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