Ronald McDonald, CEO of the international fast-food franchise and part-time clown, has become the target of a hate group--the restaurant chain's own franchisees!
"The bastard's greed is unbelievable," Betty Crocker, of Ann Arbor, Michigan complains. "He demands 12 percent of our sales for the rent of a building that looks like a UFO from a bad 1950s science fiction film. There aren't enough cows on the planet to feed his appetite for profit--our profits!"
Other costs associated with the chain have also soared recently, including fees for renovating restaurants and training employees. "How much does it cost to add a plastic potted plant or train some pimple-faced kid how to flip a burger or wash his hands after using the toilet?" Crocker demands.
Another franchisee, who would identify himself only as "Uncle Ben," agrees with Crocker. "We had to pay the son-of-a-bitch $750,000 just for the 'privilege' of applying for one of his flippin' franchises," he laments, "and now the clown wants to nickle and dime us over renovations and training. It's incredible! Not since I worked for Walt Disney have I seen--or been the victim of--such corporate greed!"
But franchisees are not the only ones with grievances. The employees who work for the restaurant owners--mostly unskilled youths who want spending money for weekend parties and trips to nude beaches during their colleges' spring breaks--have gone on strike, demanding higher wages. "On what they pay us, we can barely afford a keg of beer, let alone a round-trip ticket to Rio and hotel accommodations," a young woman who goes by "Aunt Jemima" complained. "If it weren't for us, McDonald's couldn't survive. We deserve a break today!"
Due to the exorbitant--franchisees say extortionist--costs the fast-food chain charges, the number of individuals who are willing to invest in the franchise are declining as new franchises like Panera Bread and Chipotle open more and more locations across the fruited plain.
Meanwhile, McDonald's CEO says, "Franchisees need to tighten their belts and trim the fat off their bloated budgets, because doing business with my company is no laughing matter."