Written by Samuel Vargo
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Topics: jennifer lopez

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

image for Jay-Lo Starts Up New Company, 'Serenade a Dictator'

Jennifer Lopez has started a company called Serenade a Dictator and is encouraging other Hollywood stars to join her Limited Liability Corporation (LLC), even offering franchising options to them.

Serenade a Dictator's prices vary with the packages offered. For a birthday party, Lopez will sing a few bars of the traditional "Happy Birthday" song for $1 million, and for another $500,000, will hang around the party for a half hour longer to eat birthday cake with the dictator and his guests.

Tack on another million and Jay-Lo will sing three of any of the following: 1. "Love don't cost a thing" 2. "Ain't it funny" 3. "All I have" 4. "Como ama una mujer" 5. "Do it well" 6. "Jenny from the block" 7. "(I can't believe) this is me" 8. "No me ames" 9. "Que hiciste" 10. "OK, it should be on the floor".

For the Super Duper Deluxe Package, Lopez charges $3 million, and she'll sing "Happy Birthday" and stick around for an hour or so for cake and ice cream, then sing all 10 of her popular hits listed above.

It's all for the glory of money, those opposed to Jay-Lo's new capitalistic venture say. Beyoncé, Mariah Carey, and 50 Cent were criticized for raking in up to $1 million to perform at a party for Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafy. So Jennifer Lopez is taking this to a higher level, incorporating a company whose sole purpose is to serenade leaders of the most hideously oppressive regimes.

"It isn't such a new concept, but actually incorporating a limited liability business concern for serenading dictators is a new business idea," Lopez boasted. "And the great thing about limited liability for me is if any of these singers demolish a hotel room, punch one of the dictators in the face, or even burn an entire city down, I'm totally out of the loop legally."

"There's good money in singing nice little songs to these political thugs. As a matter of fact, I've made enough money doing little jingle-jangles at their parties to buy my own island and start my own country," Jay-Lo told Hollywood Hell, a publication that reviews the film industry's worst movies and most atrocious players.

Franchising options for Serenade a Dictator LLC won't cost celebs a dime, according to Jay-Lo, but she gets to keep 20 percent of the proceeds of any and all performances as a franchising fee. It's all strictly business and all in a day's work, or in the case of most of Jay-Lo's own performances of serenading dictators, all in a half-hour's play.

"But there's a big clause to the contract for all franchisees. If a dictator calls for a party, even on short notice, celebrity singers must put aside any performance to sing for the dictator, even on a one-day notice," Lopez said.

"It's the least they can do," Lopez continued. "Serenade a Dictator LLC will have a call center staffed with 50 callers who will constantly telephone and text leaders in other countries about our service. We've targeted the worst of the worst, since nobody except greedy celebrity singers want to have anything do do with their birthday parties, or any other type of event they throw."

Turkmenistan dictator Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov's extravagant and garish birthday party in late June served as the catalyst of Serenade a Dictator LLC when Lopez received an estimated $1.5 million for the brief appearance and "Happy Birthday" song.

Other past performances include the wedding of an Uzbek businessman in Ukraine, for which Jay-Lo was paid a reported $1 million, and one for the Azeri oligarch Telman Ismailov, for which she is said to have received $1.4 million.

Turkmenistan is ranked 'among the most repressive in the world' according to Human Rights Watch, which claims this former Soviet hermit republic enacts 'draconian restrictions on freedom of expression and association.' The Human Rights Foundation recently reported that Lopez has made over $10 million crooning and entertaining crooks and dictators in Eastern Europe and Russia.

"Unknown numbers of people languish in (Turkmenistan's) notoriously abusive prisons on what appear to be politically motivated charges," Human Rights Watch reports.

"Performers are frequently blinded by greed and they willfully sidestep reality and become part of the public relations machinery of the world's worst people," says Human Rights Foundation President Thor Halvorssen, as quoted in WEHOville. "They should be disqualified from having any moral standing to opine about matters involving human rights or business ethics."

Compounding this fact is Lopez's involvement with Amnesty International's programs in Mexico that were aimed at stopping violence against women. Since singing for the former Soviet satellite dictator, Jenny from the Block is now known as Jenny from the Bloc, and any and all of her actions and dialogue concerning human rights are pretty much null and void.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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