MINNETONKA, MN - UnitedHealth Group, Inc. President and CEO, Stephen J. Hemsley announced today that UnitedHealth Group will purchase Philip Morris USA Inc., an Altria company for $674,986,685,999,324.67.
"UnitedHealth Group is the largest healthcare provider in the world and Philip Morris is the largest manufacturer of cigarettes in the world, making the deal a match made in heaven", Hemsley stated.
"The new company, UnitedHealth and Cancer Company will seamlessly move customers of their cigarette division to their healthcare division. This will provide real synergy", he added. Our cigarette customer base is dying off and now we can treat them so they can continue to purchase our tobacco products.", he added.
UnitedHealth Group is also considering opening up several brothels in Nevada, Samalia and Pakistan, as well as casinos in Abu-Dabi and Las Vegas. These new divisions will fold in nicely with their International Banking unit: AIG", Hemsley added. :