Written by plinth course
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Topics: New York, Americans

Monday, 9 October 2006

image for New Coffee Creamers Aim to Kick Your Ass Good
The bean in its "naked" state

New York - Americans love to cover up their coffee (Those beans ARE suggestive in their nakedness. Or is it just me?), and now the taste of your java break can take a radical turn.

ReNAYsense, maker of boutique creamers (like CoffeeMate only nasty) is getting ready to roll out its new flavors. The non-prescription coffee "additives" will be packaged in brown paper and sold behind the counter to protect what's left of your privacy.

Forget the Crème Brûlée (Isn't that a custard?) with or without cinnamon. Um, DULL. Chocolate is common as dirt even if you DO call it Mocha (Isn't that chocolate with, you guessed it, COFFEE?). And ordinary cafe con leche (Who drinks milk?!) has gone the way of the Dodo. Even sugar (in your coffee?!) has been nudged out by the subs because it lacks that godawful aftertaste.

But ReNAYsense's new flavors will make Boomers wax nostalgic, where once they waxed their bongs, and GenXers will think they can taste "the tingle" (wink) of their rave days - caffeine is a poor substitute, but it's still legal, man.

Some of the new flavors are so unusual they're decidedly bizarre:

>> Shoot My Toes! That's the way you heard it as a kid. Boomers can still remember the days when grandma -- even mom! -- made toast in the oven. Even though you thought grandma -- even mom! -- was a complete airhead for letting it burn, you learned to love that taste. The little acrid jolt was just the thing to complement your takes-an-hour-to-set oatmeal. By the time you got through waiting for that bowl of concrete, it was nearly lunch time, when you could look forward to the sack o' shit lovingly (in theory) half-wrapped in wax paper. You'll remember trying to trade off your apple for candy with the other lunch-inmates forced to "sit there 'til you eat it all." Didn't you LOVE it?

>> Dydie Woo. The Boomer mom will dig this one. She'll taste-experience the days when her little ones were wee (NOT a pun) babes. She could never get the diaper odor from her hands and spent her young life getting used to it infiltrating everything she ate. Just to taste it now takes her back -- way back, baby. Those days of innocence (not just for the infant, either) and promise come rushing back with each and every cup!

>> Tobacco Road. Former smokers will delight at the delicate aroma of the leaf, so beloved in olden days. A companion will be the Struck Match flavor. The sulphur odor will also please candle lighters.

Other flavors will appeal to the discriminating (though still bizarre) palate:

>> Kup O' Klor. Everyone uses gallons of bleach these days, and GenXers want downright sterility in their lives. Just NUKE those bacteria, huh? For those, of any generation, who are so drenched in the stuff that it lingers on their fingers and slithers into their sandwich, this one will make them feel positively autoclaved.

>> Peanut Butter Cream Dream. Doesn't everything have peanut butter in it now?
(Yeah? Name it.) Well, why not in your morning coffee? A peanut butter "cup" isn't the ONLY way to enjoy that cheap flavoring. Palate sticking included.

>> Boudoir Madness. This one comes in two varieties:

> For women: Johnson Special.

The distinct flavor of a man's "true
essence" will make you feel loved like a
ho! Not recommended for children.

>For men: Muffy Deluxe.

A subtle flavor, faintly fishy on the palate,
with a succulent under note of
undetermined origin. Delightful!


>> CoffeeMan. This one is for men who actually LIKE the taste of coffee. ALL flavor is extracted, washed, crushed, stamped out completely and added back under extreme pressure. This one is worth the extra cost! You can't beat it! (No pun intended.) REAL men and wannabees will find REAL satisfaction in a REAL coffee taste, unadulterated and non-wussy. It'll build lean body mass while reducing your bitch tits, and make you the king of the construction site leer 'n' jeer line. HEY, did I stutter?

Any questions or comments, feel free to call us at . . .

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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