Written by Moe Nightwalker
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Sunday, 28 July 2013

In a stunning announcement of something we already knew, the nation's hedge fund managers have finally admitted that insider trading is at the heart of their business model.

Mel Leber, chief investment officer for the BUH Holdings Hedge Fund Group, suggested a blanket immunity deal with the SEC, DOJ, FBI, IRS, and whatever other 3-letter organizations were capable of arresting him or his buddies in the hedge fund business.

According to Leber, the hedge fund business serves as an aspirational model for the worldwide financial markets. "The U.S. leads the world in complex financial instruments that can be easily manipulated for the benefit of the wealthy", says Leber.

Mr Leber went on to say, "Insider trading is simply the most efficient way of doing that. We will all be better off if no one asks any more questions about how we make our money. Is the public prepared for a sudden drop in the luxury boating business or in sales of private aircraft? Let's just leave it at that."

Following the announcement, fund raisers for Congressional mid-term elections were held in a smokey backroom full of fat, old guys.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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