Written by Gee Pee
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Topics: Bra

Saturday, 6 July 2013

"They call it a Wonder Bra because when I take it off, Freddie wonders where my boobs went. - Sarah Michelle Gellar

Wonder Bra, a subsidiary completely owned and operated by Wonder Bread ("We build sound bodies 12 different ways") is designed to lift the spirits of men and to separate the girls from the women.

Available in three styles, the Specialty Wonder Bra, the Lightly Lined Lift (Triple-L) Wonder Bra, and the In-Your-Face Push-up, Wonder Bra, this wondrous product will make a woman out of even someone as mammary challenged as Twiggy, Selma Blair, Alyson Hannigan, or Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Even men (transvestites and transsexuals) benefit from wearing them, as do so-called supermodels with boyish figures and chests to match.

It's truly a miracle in lingerie, making mountains out of molehills, as it were, and providing support even when no foundation garment is actually needed.

Specialty Wonder Bras

From a distance (i. e., up to 10 feet for those with 20/20 vision), the flesh-colored, strapless Specialty Wonder Bra creates the appearance that the woman (or man) who is wearing it is topless (i. e., nude from the waist up, not headless). The company claims that this "naked effect" is "unintentional." For women (and men) who are not as brazen, the company also makes strapless Specialty Wonder Bras in black, white, and two-tone. To keep observers' eyes on target, the bras are not festooned with ribbons or decorated with lace. "For the Wonder Bra woman," company spokeswoman Boo Bee declares, "her tits are all the 'decoration' she needs."

Lightly Lined Lift Wonder Bras

The company is as adept in lying as it is in visual deception, claiming that the purpose of its LLL Wonder Bra's three-inch-thick "light lining" is merely to create a "smooth appearance" rather than to accentuate the positive (or, in the case of such women as Blair and Hannigan, especially) to convert a negative into a something-up-there look. None of the LLL bras is strapless, because the women (or men) who wear them need all the help they can get, including the little extra lift that straps provide. To further disguise a lack of decent boobage, the LLL Wonder Bras do use silk, ribbon, and lace for extra flounce and bounce.

In-Your-Face Push-Up Wonder Bras

For the girl who wants to get ahead, the In-Your-Face Push-Up Wonder Bra really gives its wearer a head start, creating "extra" cleavage and thrusting the breasts out in an "aggressive" and "demanding" fashion, according to Bee. "This bra doesn't just enhance cleavage," the spokeswoman maintains, "it creates it!"

For the small-breasted woman (or man) who doesn't dare to bare it all and wants to make a promise, as it were, that she (or he) can't deliver, the Push-Up Wonder Bra helps her (or him) make a good impression on guys (or gals) who like their women {or men) with a "little something extra," Bee says. Sarah Michelle Gellar (known in the industry as "Barely There Gellar") wears an In-Your-Face Push-Up Wonder Bra with good effect in the movie Crude Intentions, seducing not only Blair but also her own brother---and Reece Witherspoon's husband!

Wonder Bra "Magic"

Women (or men) to whom nature, fate, chance, God, or whatever had been unkind, leaving them without breasts or with boobs the size of beestings, used to have to resort to wearing T-shirts bearing such messages over the chest area as "Under Development," "Stop Looking At My Breasts!" or "I Wish These Were Breasts!" Now, instead of making themselves laughingstocks to get the attention they so desperately crave ("and deserve," Bee maintains), they can simply don a Wonder Bra and, as if by magic, "they will have big, bold, beautiful bosoms, at least until they take off the bras, which, Bee advises, should be done only in the dark, with a breastform in place.

Ever the droll and ironic wit, Wikipedia observes, with tongue planted firmly between the cheeks:

Testimonials

Women claim that their lives have been changed by wearing Wonder Bras, and the company publishes these testimonials as advertisements to show the satisfaction that its customers enjoy as a result of purchasing and wearing its product. Here is a sample of typical testimonials.

"This is the most wonderful bra I've ever worn. I loved tit so much I've replaced my whole bra collection with more of the same. Tit smooths and shapes me, all at once, making me look as if I have tits and giving me, like, INCREDIBLE cleavage! Before I wore Wonder Bra, I was a nobody, a nothing--but, now! Just look at me. I can't stop touching myself!" - Selma Blair


"I divide my life-or human history, actually-into BWB, for 'Before Wonder Bra,' and 'AWB,' for 'After Wonder Bra,' because the first time I wore a Wonder Bra is when life started for me. Before then, there was nothing, just this gaping abyss of depression and despair, but, now, AWB, I am a changed woman, I have 'tits!' I have a personality! I have a life! I have tits!" - Alyson Hannigan


"Before I wore Wonder Bra, I was all into myself; now, with the self-esteem, self-confidence, and positive self-image that I've gained from having really big-looking boobs, I am totally into other women, and I have a whole gallery of awards and plaques and certificates to show just how altruistic and magnanimous I've become, and I owe tit all to my good sense in selecting a high-quality product that was good enough for me. Next stop, the White House!" - Hillary Clinton


"I went from a B cup to being a tempest in a D cup, thanks to Wonder Bra!" - Sarah Michelle Gellar

Even the movers and shakers in the entertainment business swear by the magic of Wonder Bra:


"Wonder Bra takes our client-who now is nothing at all-and it makes her a star, potentially. Suddenly, the Sarah Michelle Gellar space is meaningful." - Dave Wirtschaffer, president of the world-renown William Morris Agency


Community Service

Bee says that Wonder Bra spends "a sizeable amount" of its revenues in promoting sports for girls to show them that "life is as much about the inner girl as it is the outer girl."

Yeah, right!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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