The FDA released a report that had been compiled by FDA Research Assistant J. Herman Petersilge of Iona, New York, which offers a scenario where self cleaning ovens are a cause of stomach disorders.
"It was right there in front of us all the time," Petersilge stated, "we just could not see it for some reason."
In fourteen different research studies, performed in various locations around the country focusing primarily on stomach disorders which included stomach aches and upset stomachs as well as gastrointestinal symptoms, eighty-five percent of those showing any signs of discomfort, who had recently partaken of a meal, either cooked, baked or broiled, in or on, a stove which had a self clean oven.
Harley Mason, another researcher with the FDA who performed follow up work on the original report commented to astonished reporters, "We are so focused on our work that we sometimes overlook the "big picture," in our wildest dreams we never would have singled out the self cleaning oven, yet, there it was, Herm had hit the nail on the head. As soon as I told my wife, Myrtle, we discarded our self cleaning oven and purchased a microwave oven, heat all of our meals now, and voila, no stomach problems."
President Obama is considering plans to purchase all self cleaning ovens owned by consumers, in exchange for a $5000 dollar Walmart Credit card. "It's a win win, he stated, I'm getting those damn self cleaning ovens out of the kitchens in return for some stimulus money. Al Gore has indicated to me also that he feels they are a contributor to Global Warming, has to do with the self cleaning cycle, or something like that."
Obama further indicated that all self cleaning ovens, when turned in or collected, will be stored in FEMA camps around the country, and that Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano will be responsible for collecting them. When asked about the program, she stated to reporters, "Ve vill get all of them, he vants us tu, do you haf one, reporter?"