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Wednesday, 26 June 2013

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - At the invitation of former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, her "good friend," artist H. R. Giger has agreed to license his artwork for use in another of his series of so-called "Giger Gay Bars."

If the bar does well, Pelosi says others can be expected to open in Los Angeles, Palm Springs, San Diego, and other cities throughout southern California "as long as I have any influence in U. S. Senate."

The artist, best known among moviegoers for the artwork that gave rise to the xenomorphs in Aliens and its sequels, is also popular as an interior designer, especially in Europe, where gay bars and other interiors are decorated with sculptures and even furniture based on his art.

For some reason, the artist's bizarre, surrealistic art appeals primarily to gay men. '" think it is because they live such bizarre, surreal lives themselves," the artist suggested. "Also, my artwork is full of thinly disguised penises."

Always controversial, Giger's statement has generated a good deal of debate among artists, critics, and homosexual men.

"The nerve of that man!" Diego ("Limp Wrists") Fernando cried. "If he wasn't so damn gorgeous and his art wasn't so avant garde, I'd take umbrage at his homophobic statements. As he is, though, I can't help but want to show my appreciation for him and his work in a really tangible way, if you get my drift."

The artist-cum-interior designer's furniture designs includes his famous-some would say, infamous-chair, which resembles "elongated human rib cages." The bars also contain mobiles made of freeze-dried human fetuses.

Among his many "inspirations," Giger says, are Salvatore Dali, Yoda, Saddam Hussein, European gargoyles, and his mother-in-law Blanche.

"He's controversial," Pelosi agreed, "but he incites passion, just like me. I like that in a man."

"His art reflects a hatred of women and of Phil Donahue," Marlo Thomas contends. "He's a misogynist of the first order."

"He's homophobic," Perez Hilton lisped.

"He's the devil," Sarah Michelle Gellar suggested, between liplocks with Selma Blair.

"The guy's a fruitcake," Robert Mapplethorpe's widowed boyfriend moped. "That's why, however reluctantly and reservedly, we love him."

"I'm all that," Giger admitted, "and more. I am an artist. I am a genius. I am the Phallus, personified!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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