BOSTON (Routers) - Scientists have devised a devilish new way to prevent sunburn and its skin-hating effects. No longer will progeny of the Caucasoid peoples have to slather on nasty goop that readily washes off with tears, ruining that wonderful day at the beach. And no longer will anyone have to suffer the tanning bed, so very much like an over-lighted coffin.
No longer, indeed. LabThis! a world-class laboratory (so says their ad), has developed a new "product," destined to enter the market of stuff we don't need, to free us from our tanning labors. It cannot be called a labor-saving device exactly, but that absolutely GREAT tan is just a red-headed mouse away! (Their ads are a hoot, huh?)
Joyella Lambasterd, spokesperson for LabThis! explained the process for our benefit -- we, the ignorant and vast unwashed and washed-out, working day and night (?!) to darken our naturally and genetically determined way-too-pale-to-be-sexy skins.
Red-heads and non-bottled blondes take note: "It's simple, really," says Lambasterd. "Our professional lab rats (term of art in the dank world of the unregulated underground laboratory) were randomly slathering plant material on each other one day, and one guy-always the cut up-dared one of his assistants not to wash the gunk off. Ah, boys will be boys, won't they? Well, he developed a terrible rash and hives and had to be hospitalized and given IV fluids, antihistamines and antibiotics, and… Well, anyway, he eventually recovered, but we had to fire him-cutbacks, you know."
At this point Lambasterd brought out several red-headed mice, ostensibly to demonstrate some sort of "product," but instead simply put one mouse in a tanning booth. She reassured me that these little genetically manipulated, blonde-bodied, red-headed creatures are necessary sacrifices to the world of science and Mother Commerce, as she turned it up to "Nice Tan!" We toured the rest of the lab in the meantime.
There were some lovely Chimeras. One was particularly engaging. It seemed to be a pig with two mouths stacked one atop the other. Lambasterd explained that this little "enhancement" improved feeding, shortening "to market time" by half. "If we do this to a human, it can carry on conversations with itself!" When no laughter emanated from my singular mouth, despite the nudge-nudge-wink-wink, she hustled me back to the tanning mouse. Ding. It was done.
It was dead. And red as a Christmas stocking.
But Lambasterd was ecstatic. "Voilà!" she declared. "Now you tell me. Wouldn't YOU want to have a proverbial canary-in-the-coalmine? Or would you rather go bare, so to speak?"
Each mouse will cost $19.95 and is (what, you think you'll keep it as a pet?) single-use only. When your mouse is beet red, it's time to pack up your towel and head on home. You're done.