Written by Neil Levine
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Friday, 22 September 2006

image for Eliot Spitzer Promises To Make Jobs
Attorney General Spitzer Loves One Armed Bandits

Attica, New York---Eliot Spitzer, the outgoing Attorney General, has begun a whirlwind tour of New York State promising meaningful jobs, free taxes, free benefits, and, of course, Free Willie as he makes an airtight case for himself to become Governor.


He pays a courtesy call to a shuttered resort in the Catskills announcing, "We need more one armed bandits to collect extra money for the State so we can pay our escalating social welfare bills and even more video terminals to keep our Lotto millionaires gainfully employed."


In Saratoga, he announces, "Not only can we fix our racing problem, but we can give the Indians more casinos to run so tourists will never want to leave their reservations and enjoy the scenery and we can assure the tumbling tummlers in the Catskills that they will help you count your money after you've paid for the free drinks at the bar."


He flies to Niagara Falls to announce, "By legalizing gay marriage, I can revive Niagara Falls as the Honeymoon Capitol of the World. The Maid of the Mist is going to sail home with a full load once again. Now everyone can be carefree and gay all day."


In Buffalo, he announces he is going to make sure the snow is quickly shoveled into Lake Erie and that, "I can revive the waterfront by making sure safety first cargo is loaded and then reloaded by the load every time a boat arrives with or without commercial cargo. This will insure it is carefully inspected for safety."


"I may even revive the Erie Canal to relieve the pressure on the waterfront and the docks and make sure the railroads are not congested by too much traffic."


"We also don't need more electricity, not with the shortage of capacity and the lack of load bearing facilities. I propose closing every dirty power plant in the state and allowing the power authorities to reap the whirlwind."


"As for crime, I say why bother with petty crime when hassling rich crooks pays off so much more handsomely. Think of the return on investment I have gotten and the new housing for well-to-do goniffs I have provided. That will teach people to rob and steal and rip off the taxpayers."


He concludes his non-stop campaign by inviting voters to enjoy public transportation. "Come ride the subways with me. It's the fun thing to do. A clean ride in a clean state. We're going to clean up. That's the ticket. Vote for me and vote often."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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