Written by Tania Lewis

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Topics: Sex, Economy

Friday, 17 May 2013

image for New study reveals economy not improving; older men unable to afford lavish gifts for hot young women

New Study shows signs that economy is still suffering. Evidence suggests that gift-giving by older men to hot-younger women has dropped huge percentage points, perhaps as high as 1/3 from before the recession. Offers of weekend getaways and shopping sprees have also decreased significantly in the last few months. A research team from Pensacola State College, conducted a 1-year long study to verify economic trends.

The study polled over 1,200 women on a monthly basis for 12 months. Participants ranged from ages 18-32 geographically located wherever hotties hang out, beaches, salons, backstage at rock shows, and Hip Hop parties.

The study was conducted by mailing volunteers monthly questionnaires, with the restating of the same questions. Sample questions, "On average, how many 4-star restaurants have you've been to this month?" And another question asks, "How many weekend nights are spent on a sofa watching reruns of Barney Miller?"

Results showed that good-looking women, despite rise in charm, have just not been lavished with expensive trinkets, and bathed with adoring words of appreciation like they have in the past.

Denise, 19, attends Altoona Community College part-time while picking up an occasional overnight shift at the Dickle convenient store worries, "things are bad, half my customers haven't gotten overtime in months, my trip to Vegas is coming up and I've only been offered one piece of Bottega Veneta luggage." "Jerry," 51, and father of 4, "promises to buy me the matching Veneta hand-bag. That's kind of a relief, but if that bag doesn't come with spending money, I'll have to spend like most of June baby-sitting those brat Vulaski brothers again."

According to April 2013 numbers, the amount of presents bought and given are down 12% from last month, totaling 36% drop off from last May, when the study began. "This figure is staggering," says Dr. Dale, head of the 5-member research team at PSC, "the weather gets warmer and men get hornier. At least that's what all the previous scientific literature (Hustler, Penthouse) tells us. This is not looking good for America."

Jefferson City's native, Trisha James has not had it too easy these past few months either. James, 22, is the youngest and by far the hottest of 3 pretty sisters. She can't believe her string of recent bad luck. Expected to follow in her older sisters footsteps, she recalls her days at the Capitol Mall with then boyfriend Dewayne Tolleson, 47, "every Wednesday Dewayne and I would visit Buckle, our favorite show store. He would love it when I modeled shoes for him, especially all open-toed sandals, he'd loved the way my toe-nail polish matched my eyes. Now, I'm left with so many outfits without the right accessories. I do miss him, he would be so sweet and generous. He lost his job as vice president of Metcalf Bank in Kansas City due to cutbacks, you see. I felt really bad, I didn't think our breakup would reduce him to tears. But, I also didn't think he should be distracted with a girlfriend. I did assure him a warm reception, should he return with his feet back on the ground."

Critics of the study claim that the findings were arrived at with a flawed methodology. Many experts project, contrary to the study, assert that the economy is not worsening or stagnating but, it's on an upswing. Economist Edgar Friedman, (No relation to Nobel Prize winner) "I've read the results, the numbers match up with the claims, it's the actual methodology I find appalling. The volunteers were mailed the same questionnaire every month of the 12 months. Some of the comments left by the women stated that they just copied and pasted their responses from the prior month. Perhaps if they showed their admirers they were feeling neglected, they would in turn be well compensated. Another issue I have was the December mailings. The questionnaires were mailed right after Christmas, the time when many boyfriends might be attending to their financial responsibility elsewhere."

Despite critics, the PSC research team intends to submit their findings in Washington D.C. for a peer-review conference next month. When asked about the criticism, Dale says, "it's to be expected, but hey, we already got hotel reservations, we got a cooler, and I just spent like the last 2 weekends updating my iPod with some old Weezer, Silver Chair, Steppenwolf, and my new 4-volume compilation of 80's hard-rock ballads, for this road trip. If they find that our study can't be validated, fuck it!"

As a side note, it has been brought to this reporters' attention (*source withheld) Mr. Friedman just paid for his girlfriend's rent, for the previous 6 months. Apparently, his 27-year-old girlfriend of 4 years was laid-off from her job last September and was almost faced with possible eviction from her 2 bedroom, sky rise luxury apartment.

When asked about this alleged "hand out" Friedman offered no comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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