Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Politics, business

Monday, 18 September 2006

image for The Ned and Tom Lamont Family Business History
Ned and Tom Lamont's Family Tree

Press Room, Cheshire-Corrigan-Radgowski State Facility, Connecticut---Ned Lamont explains his family's history in politics, the taking of the gifts of others and the giving away of the farm (not his) and the free advice behind his family tree relative to finding bad apples in a rotten barrel.


"Great grandfather Tom worked for Morgan Bank when it was the leading financial institution in the country. He specialized in giving gratuitous advice the Morgan's did not give and helped write the Versailles Treaty that made the Germans pay for losing the Great War. We all know how that turned out. Of course, that allowed him to give away free accounts and retire in luxury on other people's money."


"Needless to say, the Lamont family has always believed that is the way to go in style, using other people's resources to benefit the Lamont family line. When Great Grandpa wasn't working on mergers and acquisitions, he was specializing in corporate takeovers. Nothing was too small to escape his far reaching grasp of complex financial issues and nothing really ever did escape his omnivorous grasp."


"Grandfather Tom also took over for the Morgans and did exactly the same things. He gave free advice and free money. Naturally, he, too, was a financial and business success and the Morgans thanked him by staying out of his way."


"Then there was Uncle Corliss Lamont who went a couple of hog lengths better than Grandfather Lamont and Great Grandad. He didn't bother to make money, but was good at not only making people believe it was his, but giving pretty much everything away. He was a charmer, yes, indeedy. He could charm the pajamas off of a belly dancer doing ballet splits. Not that that was the only trick he played to the hilt but it darn near split his britches, don't you know."


"Now don't forget Hillary supports me and I just love it. All the fawning attention. That woman is a babe. The sweetheart of the infantry. I think farming out the hot, sweaty work is a good deal, a first class chance to share the wealth. Make love, not war. Love ya Baby," he tells Hillary, giving her a bare hug at the next campaign pit stop. "Why fight a little mudslinging? Isn't all fair in love and war? Love ya Babe."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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