Written by IainB
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Monday, 18 March 2013

image for Dyson launches the Dyson Hair Straighteners
Oooh, it's all straight.

People with frizzy hair, curly hair or hair with a slight kink three quarters of the way down, can now finally rejoice in the fashion of perfectly straight hair. Safely.

"One of the major drawbacks with traditional hair straighteners," said James Dyson, inventor of the bladeless fan now common throughout prisons, "is that they get very hot, and morons, I mean customers, can burn themselves on it. In a worst case scenario they can leave them switched on, and have to come back from the airport to find their house burned down."

No longer. Dyson's fantastic new invention can straighten hair without any heat being applied.

"We saw a picture of a numpty holding a Van De Graff generator," said Dyson disparagingly. "His hair was perfectly straight out. When I saw his curly hair before he held the generator I had a Eureka moment."

The new hair straighteners generate a massive static charge. When the straighteners are wafted over hair, it forces the hair to become perfectly straight.

"Curly hair is caused by cross linkages in the keratin protein that hair is made of," said Dyson. "We found this out after we'd invented the static hair straighteners, or SHS. Normally, heat is used to break this linkage, but a massive static charge also does the trick."

Initially, there were a few kinks to straighten out, excuse pun.

"We found initially that people would stick to the ceiling," said Dyson. "However, applying the static charge to wet hair circumvents this problem nicely. We also discovered that people were doing it to cats and dogs to turn them into fluffy pom-poms, so we put a warning sticker on the box not to do this."

On initial use of the SHS hair leaps from the head, before settling down into perfectly straight locks.

"We've also discovered that it cures premature baldness and head lice," said Dyson, "but who gives a toss about those? They're just side effects."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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