Written by Michael Balton
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Friday, 22 February 2013

image for Apple Says It's Time for a 'Smart Wristwatch'
Apple's new iWatch™ tracks trends, not time.

Cupertino, California -- Top secret patent papers, leaked during a sequestered privacy spill, have revealed that Apple has chosen to design a 'smart watch' as the innovation that will save the company.

Shaped in the form of chrome apple, the device will be designed to be worn on the wrist so consumers can exhibit their Apple-powered hipness more conspicuously.

"Phones are great, but when you're not using them, they're hidden away in a pocket or purse," said a marketing brief that was part of the patent package.

"A wristwatch, on the other hand, is always right there at the end of your arm. And this new one will be constantly reminding the world how technologically brilliant you are."

But the new Apple iWatch™ goes beyond making a fashion statement. The patent papers state that the watch's "main purpose is to sound an alarm whenever it is time to buy a new Apple product.

"That way, iWatch™ users will always be first in line for the latest Apple innovation. And no one will be able to out-tech them."

Initial consumer reaction to that primary feature seems to be enthusiastic. "I missed the introduction of the new iMac last month, and now I might as well be living in MySpace," said one 20s something, who was waiting in line for next year's iMac. "iWatch would've been looking out for me on that one."

Another Apple Store customer cited a rumor he had heard about the development of the wristwatch. "Supposedly, Apple CEO Tim Cook took the entire Board of Directors on a brainstorming vigil to Steve Jobs' gravesite a few moons ago.

"They brought along a voodoo priest, a séance medium, and an extra-large Ouija board to get in touch with their old boss. Apparently this wristwatch was all his idea."

Jobs' ghost also had some thoughts about the recent plunge of Apple's stock price. He told Cook to order up the creation of a new app for the iWatch, which would anticipate such downward transgressions, so portfolios can be adjusted in a more timely way.

That program will be available from the App Store this fall. "Call it iCheat and make it snappy" moaned Jobs' ghost as it returned to digital hell, powered by Adobe Flash™. "My iWatch says you're already behind schedule."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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