Written by plinth course
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Topics: New York

Monday, 21 August 2006

image for See It When You Believe It
'Dump, what dump?' say OutaSight wearers

New York - Not to be outdone by the inventors of the new chewing gum purported to fight tooth decay, contact lens maker Botch & Lame announced its new line of lenses that will "rock your world," as company spokesman Bob Babushka crowed.

The contact lens, when worn on both eyes (Babushka warned that having reality-based vision in one eye defeats the vision in the ‘good eye') will cause the wearer to see the world "like you have on the proverbial rose-colored glasses, nothing but really good things everywhere you look," crooned Babushka.

Babushka would not discuss the technology involved, "Trade secret, you know?" and was quite dismissive of questions geared to the idea that the power of suggestion (marketing?) may account for the improved outlook the wearer experiences. "If Prozac can't get people out of their misery, how can some spooky-sounding, mind-over-matter, so-called psychological effect change your outlook on the world?"

Babushka went on. "Nobody buys that psycho-babble, but they sure will buy these lenses! I've been wearing my prototypes since the Middle East blew its cork, and, just ask me, I don't see the so-called doom-and-gloom projections, the end-of-the-world hype, the so-called tinderbox-ready-to-conflagrate world." He insisted on speaking about the "fantastic be-all-and-end-all product."

The lenses are projected to be on the market by the upcoming winter holiday season, just in time to "boost sales of, well, everything. We wager that businesses will kill just to give us free advertising."

"These lenses were developed specifically to be worn by anyone who is depressed, downtrodden, saddened-by-the-way-things-are pessimistic, or those too-reality-based-to-tolerate-current-events, well-informed types. But who wouldn't love not to see terrible things? Who wouldn't like life to be walk-in-the-park lovely?"

At this point Babushka vowed to reduce his hyphenation.

The prototype is called Rosiola, but will likely be change to OutaSight for the final launch. Babushka says that in test marketing the word Rosiola caused subjects to think of a disease, which may dissuade people from buying them.

"It's going to be blue skies and unlimited ceilings for Botch & Lame when this one hits the markets!" sang Babushka.

But he became exceedingly agitated and ended the interview when asked about Botch & Lame's last lens fiasco. The GetReaLens was targeted to rich, elderly men, and was purported to allow them to ‘see' that the young strippers they were about to marry were only after their money.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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