Not wanting to come in second place to Hurricane Sandy in terms of financial ruination and victimization of the down-trodden, tax-hiccup H&R Block begins its two-pronged ritualized cozening of its clients with Emerald Advance AND their latest educational pamphlet, "What You Can Do To Recover After A Hurricane, And How H&R Block Will Find A Way To Profit From It.".
"Hurricane Sandy erased towns up and down the East Coast, victimized millions of residents, costing them billions of dollars," says William C. Cobb, President and CEO of H&R Block since Dick Breeden purchased the job for him in 2010. "And now the Government is throwing Sandy Recovery Money around left and right. We want to wet our beaks is all.."
This was parrotted by Block Chairman Robert A Gerard, whose job at Block is like being principal of a home school: "Look, if these people didn't want their shit destroyed by Sandy, they shoulda make their houses more absorbent."
As for Block's contribution to the Sandy relief effort, Cobb and Gerard read aloud from a press release prepared for them, Cobb managing to do so without asking for help pronouncing the big words.
"Dear Sandy Victims: S'up," said Cobb. "Lookit, If you need money for Christmas gifts, or to fix your homes so that you and your family don't die of exposure or hypothermia, visit one of our Emerald Advance offices."
"Indeed, friendly, knowledgable, and woefully-underpaid tax professionals are on hand to lend you your own money and greater-than-usury interest rates," continued Gerard. "And if they can't help you, please reach out to your office's District Manager, who usually can be found in one of the 68 offices in each district."
Block's stock can be tracked on NASDAQ under the ticker name FUKUP, and on Twitter via hash tag #bankrupt_by_May1st.