Seaside Heights, NJ - No one took it on the chin by Super Storm Sandy worse than the idyllic little town known for its' beautiful beaches, all-American boardwalk and some of the trashiest assholes to ever have a television show based around them.
"Yo, the Boardwalk waddun't doin' nuthin." Said a super-wasted Snooki, who rode out the storm in the hottub of her infamous party-pad, along with baby-daddy Gianni and three-month-old child, with an equally Italian name.
"Super Storm Sandy was a bitch... bitch." Slurred Snooki, who wondered why the duck-phone in the living room wasn't working on the Wednesday after the storm.
Sandy showed up on the Jersey Shore and got in a drunken fight with the boardwalk. The juiced up meathead of a storm pummeled the toothpick legged Boardwalk in an effort to look macho, after the Weather Channel had hyped the fight all week.
"The boardwalk kinda took a beat down, Yo!" Sighed a deflated Snooki in a low moment of the interview. She plucked a lighter from her baby's hand and fired up a comfort smoke.
None of the embarrassing injuries that the boardwalk suffered was worse than the fact that its' iconic Roller Coaster was dumped in the ocean. It was the equivalent of the boardwalk getting its' head flushed down the toilet. Even The Jersey Shore gang would have to agree that it seemed as though Super Storm Sandy may have made the Boardwalk its' bitch, to use a local colloquialism.
But leave it to a true American success story like Snooki. The woman, who just made a few easy million, is feeling a little bit like she has a magical horseshoe up her ass. Snooki bought the soggy Roller Coaster, lock-stock-and barrel, for two million bucks on the spot, the moment she saw it. It was every dollar she had left of her "Jersey Shore" money.
Needless to say, Snooki was super-wasted and her underwear was showing when making the purchase. She then got in a huge screaming match with her boyfriend, who totally dumped her for a full ten minutes, storming off while Snooki balled her eyes out on a broken bench. Gianni then came skulking back to apologize and let her buy the partially submerged roller coaster.
"Wooohoooo!" Declared Snooki, after a disturbing make-out scene with her on-again boyfriend, all while he was wearing their new baby in a top-of-the-line baby carrier. "The party don't stop, bitches!" The Guidette cackled wildly, as she climbed over some rubble to dry-hump a waterlogged carousel horse.
In what might be the most feasible part of Snooki's quixotic plan, she imagines the cars on her new Roller Coaster will stop to pick up riders at the top of the ride, which is now closer to the boardwalk, instead of at the bottom.
"That's what the fight was about with Gianni." Snooki drunk-quite told us, as her "boy-bitch" tried to changed the baby's diaper on the remains of a smashed up ice-cream stand. "He thought it would be better if people swam out to the friggin' ride and got on like normal! Duh! But I'm gonna do it my way instead, cause he's my bitch, bitch and I'm like a friggin' business typhoon." She sloppily explained. "He's such an idiot. He's cute and he has a nice penis, but he's dumb as a bag-of-hammers, yo!" She added, as the baby crawled off towards a pile of rusty nails.
"Me and my baby are gonna be the first ones to ride that bitch, bitch!" Said a mumbling but still coherent Snooki, presumably towards the Hurricane. Snooki started to pass out while nursing little what's'-his-name… and the new baby simultaneously while sitting on the boardwalk.
Too afraid to ask if she meant she'd ride the coaster with her actual baby or with her boy-bitch baby, we ended our interview early and went to get tetanus shots at the closest Red Cross/FEMA trailer.
"In your face Sandy! Snooki just made you its' bitch!" Snooki screamed at the destruction all around her coming back to life like a champ. She then picked herself up and stumbled off, complaining that it was hard to find a drink, when none of the bars were where they were supposed to be.
Writer's Note: In a last minute appendage to this story as we went to press, Snooki was offered a multi-million dollar deal from MTV, to star in the premiere season of "Snooki-town", a reality show based on a drunken mother who owns an underwater rollercoaster.
Damn those magical horseshoes. Where do i get me one of those, right now, yo!