Written by Simon Saunders
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Monday, 19 November 2012

image for "Kiss It Better" Insurance Policy Unveiled
There's no need for a doctor when you can get a celebrity to kiss it better

Following the huge success of the personal injury lawyers advert where former average tennis player and T.V host Andrew Castle patronisingly claims that "sometimes sorry makes everything okay," one of the UK's leading personal injury lawyers has devised an ingenious way of keeping some of these cases out of court.

The renowned lawyer in question is Amber Lance-Chaser.

She has a remarkable rate of success in UK personal injury courts over her twenty year career.

Some of the highlights of her career include winning five grand for a man who damaged his index finger a bit after attempting to push open a shop door when in fact he should've pushed it.

She also successfully claimed two grand for a woman who suffered a nasty paper cut from a bus ticket and subsequently campaigned for all buses to carry warnings about the sharpness of their tickets.

Perhaps her most well known case was suing Little Divot council for ten grand after a man stubbed his toe on a dog turd in one of their local parks.

Now she's turned her attention to providing an insurance policy that eliminates the need to go to court.

Ms Lance-Chaser takes up the story, "These days many people find the idea of going to court rather intimidating and many of these same people revere celebrities like they're Gods of some sort who are capable of healing minor injuries with just a brush of their lips. So the idea I had was to provide celebrities to the injured party and they would kiss it better. Of course the cost of hiring celebrities to kiss the great unwashed isn't a cheap one. The base price of the policy is five hundred pounds a month. For that you'll get someone of off 'Geordie Shore' to supply the kiss to make it all better. The most expensive policy is fifteen hundred pounds a month. This will give you a host of options, from former ITV newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald to Anne Robinson from the BBC's 'Watchdog' and 'The Weakest Link.'"

Some people have questioned the rather expensive nature of the policy. Ms Lance-Chaser explained, "Celebrities don't come cheap. Even Z list ones cost a few quid and you can't put a price on knowing that a celebrity will make everything better should you suffer a minor injury. Well, you can, and I have I suppose. Also, I need to purchase new running shoes on a regular basis. Ambulances don't chase themselves y'know."

Ms Lance-Chaser will also continue representing those who still wish to sue through the courts.

However, the insurance policy has caused controversy. Industry expert Martin Fleecer reckons it's all a money making scam designed to exploit the celebrity obsessed. He told us, "I reckon it's all a money making scam designed to exploit the celebrity obsessed."

These claims have been dismissed by Ms Lance-Chaser. "Is it a scam?" She said rhetorically. "No, not at all. I'm providing a service to those who wish to use it. It's all about supply and demand."

Before she could explain further she paused, cupped her ear and asked, "Can you hear an ambulance siren?"

She then ran off in hot pursuit.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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