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Friday, 16 November 2012

image for Hostess Tells American Court Sno Balls Chance in Hell on the Heels of Hurricane Sandy

The US economy, only now beginning to recover from the devastation of Hurricane Sandy, was dealt another financial tsunami this morning when Hostess CEO, Gregory Rayburn announced that Irving Texas based Hostess has filed a motion with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court requesting wind-down of the Company and the sale of all of its assets, following the company's initial bankruptcy petition filed in January 2012 due to a protracted strike by the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union (BCTGM). The company, founded in 1930 will lay off its entire complement of 18,500 employees, excluding the Board and ten of the top corporate executives. Rayburn told reporters this morning, "We simply do not have the financial resources to survive an ongoing national strike."

The news sent shock waves through the Washington corridors of the American Bar Association, the DEA, NORML, ZigZag International and the US offices of 7-11. ABA spokesman, Algonquin J. Calhoun told this reporter the Hostess bankruptcy would represent a serious impediment to the defense strategy for thousands of attorneys, threatening the lavish lifestyle of countless lawyers as well as diminishing the tax revenue derived from inflated fees charged their clients.

NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) Chairman and Tijuana entrepreneur, Juan Antonio Castenet Chimichanga, speaking off the record, told an assembly of media that the demise of Twinkies and Ding-Dongs would likely adversely affect his enterprises as well as cause a substantial rise in alcoholism in America. "Without Twinkies, how are tokers going to survive a 2:00 AM munchie attack? They will have no choice but to seek asylum in Wild Irish Rose or Thunderbird. I thought Paraquat was a bitch; I may have to branch out into the dishonorable profession of banking or worse, get a part time job at Wal-Mart!"

DEA Director, Barton Noriega issued a Press Release outlining a massive transfer of DEA agents to the IRS, in anticipation of the decline of Cannabis usage in the United States. National Highway Transportation Safety Board Director, A.J. Foyt, told FOX News that he anticipated thousands of additional traffic related deaths as a result of the Hostess action. "Shit Man, pot smokers have caused bout nine automobile deaths in twenty years. They're so f**ked up, they rarely exceed (25) MPH, while the god damned drunks are like living IEDs... and now new cars are probably gonna come equipped with body bags. Addicts aren't worth hog piss, but at least they don't kill people. This Hostess deal is gonna be a windfall for morticians and my Chevy dealership in Houston."

Osama Hutsi, spokesperson for 7-11 told a reporter from Newsweek their corporation has redirected the entire R&D staff to plan for the redistribution of 34% of store shelf space, previously devoted to Twinkies, Ding-Dongs and Sno Balls. Mr. Hutsi said he anticipated minimal disruption in stores; "We plan to offer our customers more choices in discount condoms, prepaid cell phones and Cheetos and we are confident this will satisfy the cravings of our consumers. We also have been exploring expansion into adult entertainment products, but were previously limited by shelf availability. That will no longer be an issue. Now our loyal customers will be able to fill up not only their cars and stomachs, but any orifice of their choice. We have initiated conversations with a Chinese manufacturer to produce an exclusive line of vibrators shaped and modeled like Twinkies. Is this a great country or what? I praise Allah daily for my Green Card."

The Congressional Budget Office will be releasing an economic impact statement on the Hostess bankruptcy this afternoon. A preliminary release indicates at least two consecutive quarters of GDP decline, with a caveat regarding the imponderable impact from rising sales of dildos, Kiwi Shoe Polish and Mad Dog 20-20.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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