Written by Gail Farrelly
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Sunday, 11 November 2012

image for Tool-making Cockatoo Signs Contract with Home Depot
"Speak to my agent, birdbrain."

No sooner had a cockatoo in captivity in Austria made the news by showing that he was able to fashion his own tools (read all about it in an article, Cockatoo shows tool-making skills, by Michelle Warwicker in BBC Nature News), when it was revealed that said cockatoo -- his name is Figaro -- had flown the coop and accepted a job at Home Depot in the U.S.

A Home Depot spokesperson, delighted at having 'snagged' the cockatoo, said, "Our company is known for being on the cutting edge of the home repair business. We're always on the lookout for new talent. This is no ordinary parrot."

Hiring Figaro to mingle with, and teach, customers makes perfect sense to Home Depot execs. One of them was quoted as follows: "We're big believers in that Chinese Proverb: If you give a man a fish you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime. Customers shouldn't just be handed tools. They should be taught how to make their own."

Ever the patriot, Figaro has told friends that he's glad he could do his part to have Austria known for something of substance -- something other than that icky "The Sound of Music." He's currently in contract talks with several publishers who believe that his life story would be an instant bestseller. A movie deal is also in the works.

Meanwhile a reporter who begged the cockatoo for an interview was rebuffed. "Speak to my agent, birdbrain," Figaro squawked.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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