Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 6 November 2012

image for Sparks and Mensa announce lower profits for the year
How much money Sparks and Mensa didn't make this financial year

Sparks and Mensa, the High Street store that the intelligentsia know and love has announced lower pre-tax profits than at this point last year.

"Our pre-tax profits are down by just over ten percent," said accountant, Ben Counter, who has shown beyond reasonable doubt he hasn't stolen any money. "Last year we made three hundred and fifty million pounds pre-tax profits. This year, that's down to three hundred and ten million pounds."

With such a massive drop in the massive profits, Sparks and Mensa are looking at why they are losing money hand over fist.

"We believe it is our women's section," said Counter. "We've heard that Britain got out of recession because of that book, Shades of Gray. We checked. Our women's section has no masturbatory aids of any description. Not so much as a love bead."

Additionally, finding anything in an S&M store is proving more difficult by the year, with the S&M range now twice the size it was two months ago. Some of the profit has been lost as Sparks and Mensa have recently refitted all of their London stores with additional floors by putting a mezzanine in on every floor."

"This has meant that the roof is quite low on the second floor of our Hackney branch," said Counter. "What with it only being six foot high to begin with. This turns out to be not too much of a problem, as we're putting our clothing range for the vertically challenged on the first three foot high floor, and our range of highly fashionable safety clothing on the other."

Further improvements to the store's website will hopefully make it better able to compete with stores that have a website.

"It's a bit of a poor show at the moment," said Counter. "If somebody puts S&M into Google, our store is quite a long way down the list of pages. I think we're on page seven hundred and twelve at the last count. We need to be higher."

With the discovery that people who do visit the S and M site hardly stay once discovering it's a clothes shop, the whole site is to be revamped so that it appears that more exotic items are for sale, hopefully leading visitors onto buy disposable bath towels, or fake tan coloured bed sheets.

"It's a million to one shot," said Counter. "So it probably won't work."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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