Written by IainB
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Monday, 22 October 2012

image for Sparks and Mensa launch their denture range
The Donny Osmond set

Sparks and Mensa, the high street store for those with more brains than brawn, are launching a new range of mouth wear, Denture Tools.

"We're very pleased with our new range," said creator, Dennis Chure. "We think it is a step forward in teeth."

The new range is not jewellery for teeth, it is a replacement for teeth.

"People can pop in to an S&M store and have their teeth removed and replaced with the new Denture range," said Chure, "We're confident that people are going to want to switch."

The Denture Range replace the single function teeth with sockets that can take any of the huge range of attachments.

"For example," said Chure. "If you're eating a steak, you really need sharp teeth, but for wholemeal bread, you want flat teeth for grinding. Standard human teeth just aren't flexible enough. How about a steak sandwich? There are teeth for that."

Additionally, for nights out, the teeth can be replaced with brilliantly pearly white teeth that can blind at thirty yards. Or, for the even more fashion conscious, bling teeth can be inserted.

"We also have a range of vampire teeth," said Chure, "or celebrity teeth, such as the Donny Osmond or Janet Street Porter set. These last two also douible as horse teeth."

For those that require something more useful, there are the Swiss Army Knife of teeth, with teeth for cutting, removing corks and bottle caps, tying ropes and removing stones from horses' hooves.

"For an additional one hundred pounds," said Chure, "we'll even supply anaesthetic during the procedure."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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