Written by John_L
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Sunday, 7 October 2012

image for Mortgage Approval boost for Cameron ahead of Conference
A cow on the Evis farm this morning.

The number of new mortgages approved went up last week. The Conservatives have jumped on the news saying that the rise validates their plans to get the banks lending more. However most of the loans were for small short term deals which can be paid off in under 20 years.

"The jump in approvals came out of the blue." Malcolm Uxbridge from Bloomburg told 'The Andrew Marr show' this morning. "We were as surprised as anyone when the numbers came in. It wasn't until one of our interns pointed out that Glastonbury tickets go on sale Sunday morning that we knew the real reason. The cost of the tickets is now so high that many people take out a small mortgage to pay for them."

"Look I can't understand why people would want to sit in a field in the rain too far away from the stage to see and hear anything." David Cameron told Marr "But I'm bloody well glad that they do. This is a real boost for the economy. Without Glastonbury last year there were not enough mortgages taken out. People can cover the cost of most festivals with a payday loan. But thanks to Glastonbury we now have something to crow about at conference."

A Glastonbury regular Mark Marson told 'The Guardian' "Normally I'm opposed to any sort of business. But this is Glastonbury, it's sitting in a field with everyone on the same level and feeling connected. You can't put a price on that can you. I smile with every mortgage payment from the last Glastonbury remembering squinting at the stage and trying to work out if it was Coldplay or U2 before word came back to us that it was Beyoncé. I'm so glad my extension was approved."

Glastonbury 2013 will feature Coldplay and the winner of this years X Factor will headline the Sunday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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