Bristol has launched its own currency, the Bristol pound, in an attempt to prevent money from flowing out of the area. A number of shops and businesses have signed up to the hare-brained scheme, and will accept Bristol pounds alongside the usual pound sterling, but will only give change in Bristol pounds.
Scrap merchant Bartholomew Crook is behind the currency, which he claims will be like "putting a cock-ring onto the economy of Bristol, ensuring money can flow into the city but cannot flow out." He claims this will cause the city's wealth to become "turgid and engorged".
Mr Crook has built a minting machine which makes coins from crushed cars in his scrap metal yard. He boasts that the currency is "100% green", boosting its popularity among gullible middle class eco-freaks.
Locals have mixed views on the new money. Peter Bristols, a professional layabout, said, "We don't like strangers much round 'ere. And now we don't accept their money neither. That's got to be a good thing, innit!"
A bus driver from nearby Bath was not so sure. "I get paid in Bristol pounds, but I live in Bath where they're not accepted. So it forces me to do my shopping in Bristol's 'recommended shops'. Nothing's cheap in those shops that take Bristol pounds, and there isn't enough choice."
Mr Crook dismissed the criticism, saying, "We've been trying to set up a proper price-fixing cartel - I mean independent economy - for years. And now we can finally do it and milk them bastard outsiders for all they've got. Best of all, I own the mint so I can print as much as I like. I'm a bloody Bristol millionaire! The Bank of England will be asking me for a bailout next!"