Written by churchmouse
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Topics: Beer, Old Age

Thursday, 6 September 2012

image for UK's Last Mackeson Well Runs Dry
Crack drilling team in secret location (note Mackeson spillage from the mans trousers)

Britain's last remaining Mackeson well, located in Stepney, East London has finally run dry after 105 years of production.

Mackeson, a sweet milk stout, is probably best known for the TV catchphrase: 'It looks good. It tastes good. And by golly it does you good'. spoken by the actor Bernard Miles.

For many years the drink with its distinctive black body and coffee coloured head has been the favoured tipple of old ladies and beer drinkers with a sugar deficiency.

There are now fears that a black market may emerge for the remaining stocks. Already it has been reported that in Eastbourne, bottles of Mackeson have been changing hands for up to £1.20 a time.

When told of the possible forthcoming Mackeson shortage, Mrs Ada Stump, an 89 year old lifetime drinker of the product had this to say:

Oh it's terrible, what with the loud music and bongo drums and all that. I remember when this was all fields. There wasn't a chimney for miles. But it's me bladder you see, martyr to it I am. I told Doctor Gupta, but they're all the same they are. If we wanted something in my day we had to work for it... or suck off a Yank.

However, the distributors of the beer have been looking at ways to continue production, and have started exploratory drilling at a secret location in the centre of Guildford.

We have been looking at ways to continue production' said spokesman Steve Bland from the company.

'And we have started exploratory drilling at a secret location in the centre of Guildford' he added.

Should the new well prove to be unsuccessful, the company also has a back-up plan to ensure that thirsty, sugar-starved half-mad old women continue to have access to the brand;

'We know that there are large reserves of Mackeson in the foothills of Albania, and although we would prefer to keep production in Britain, if it is found impossible to do so, we reckon that if we tell the United States that the Albanians have been calling them names they'll invade the place for us'.

Sir Bernard Miles CBE no longer says 'It looks good. It tastes good, and by golly it does you good' due to dying in June 1991. However he did found the Mermaid Theater in London so he must have been a good sort.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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