Written by Gail Farrelly
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Wednesday, 15 August 2012

image for Rob Pattinson Is First Vampire to Ring Opening Bell at NY Stock Exchange
Forget about "Breaking Dawn." Break the bank instead!

The staid institution may never be the same after Tuesday's history-making event.

Some onlookers reported that Pattinson, wearing a Gucci suit and sporting a rather conservative hairdo, looked more like a Wall Street executive than a vampire.

After Pattinson rang the bell, not that much trading took place for some time. Female workers forgot their duties; instead of work, they were crying, cheering and begging for autographs.

Excitement mounted when a female fan swooned and Rob came to the rescue, scooping her up in his arms. Nice! Until, that is, he bared his fangs and then flew the lady in question all around the Exchange. Yikes!

Fortunately he brought her back unharmed after a ten-minute ride. "I wasn't frightened, not for a second," said the lucky young lady, returned from her impromptu adventure. She continued, "C'mon, get with the program. Like everyone else on Wall Street, Pattinson's out for bucks, not blood."

By the end of the day, both the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) and The Standard & Poor 500 (S&P 500) were down, which prompted a nervous NY Stock Exchange official to say, "For now we've had it with vampires. Next time we'll try our luck with shapeshifters."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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