Sparks and Mensa, the high street store for people with taste, intelligence and a penchant for the unusual, is to launch a new range of dancing shoes.
"Unusually," said Mark Spencer, the CEO, OCE and ECO, "we're doing both a men's and women's range of dancing shoes. Normally, that's far too much like hard work."
The women's range of dancing shoes come with a built in handbag circular, whilst the men's range has a timer to ensure that they do not dance for too long.
"It's a well known fact that men can only dance for five minutes at a time before they die of acute embarrassment," said Spencer. "A smaller vibration device in the heel alerts men that this time has almost arrived so that they can get off the floor before they suddenly, and irreversibly, go into dad dance mode, and attempt to do the Greek dance. This is the final death throws of the embarrassed male dancer."
The handbag circular is a special device that ensures that women do not stray too far from the handbag pile. Again, a small vibration device in the heel indicates when the foot is more than five feet away from the handbag. This stops it vibrating when the handbag is on the shoulder.
"Sadly, we may have to discontinue the women's range," said Spencer. "Our test women have been leaving their handbags on the table and disappearing off to the toilets for upwards of twenty minutes. They can barely walk when they come out, so strong are the vibrations in their feet. This is a major design flaw."
One of the test women disagrees. "These shoes are fucking marvellous. I want more of them. I'm not giving them back. Fuck off."