Athens - Don't stick a fork in Greece. Use a spoon instead, because the debt-riddled nation is about to emerge as Europe's economic powerhouse, thanks to booming sales of Greek yogurt.
"Greek yogurt has more protein than regular yogurt. It tastes better. And it offers a long list of special properties that cannot be duplicated by any other material," said Nicholas Callis, Greece's Minister of Nutritional Reform.
"In other words, it has what it takes to put Greece back on the economic menu."
Greek yogurt shops are being opened in virtually all of the world's major cities, elevating the dairy product from a food to a fashion trend.
"If you're caught without your container of this gift from the Greeks, you may find yourself banished from the fashion scene," the editor of one of the world's leading glamour magazines was overheard saying.
Greece, meanwhile, was on the list to lose its status as a sovereign and solvent nation. But not anymore, since it takes in a lucrative royalty on every ounce of Greek yogurt sold.
"It's like a license to print money," one unnamed Government official said. "Now I know what it feels like to be Ben Bernanke."
Of course, Greece's debt runs beyond billions of euros, forcing the Greek government to find other uses for its cash cow.
"Turns out, our yogurt is a versatile construction material," Greek Commerce Minister Zorba Pappandra said. "It dries three times stronger than regular mortar, and it is two times as brilliant as ordinary white paint. Contractors all over the world can't get enough of this stuff."
When used as a nuclear reactor coolant, Greek yogurt has been tested to provide a 100% safeguard against core meltdown. And when employed as a gasoline additive, the dairy treat cuts tailpipe emissions by 70%. That might make Greek yogurt the solution to global warming.
It is the culture that makes Greek yogurt unique. "This is the same culture that brought the world Aristotle, Socrates and Plato," Pappandra explained. "Unfortunately, this is the same culture that can produce delusions of grandeur. So this whole yogurt salvation thing might just be someone's hallucination."