Washington DC - In a rare bipartisan action, President Obama has joined with Congress to purchase Internet social media giant Facebook for an undisclosed sum.
"If you have to ask how much, you can't afford it," Obama joked with reporters. "But seriously, this is every bit as important as our bailout of the big banks and General Motors earlier in my administration."
The price of Facebook stock had been plummeting after the company failed to meet revenue growth expectations. That spoiled the bets of thousands of Wall Street insiders, which triggered a "too full to bail" alarm that led to the government action.
Joining the president in announcing the deal was House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). "This comes down to a matter of trust," he said.
"The American public must have full confidence in such institutions as Words with Friends, Texas Hold 'em Poker, Bubble Witch Saga and other Facebook mainstays, or our entire goof-off economy will crumble."
Obama agreed that the Facebook suite of games effectively distracts Americans from the tough economic conditions they are facing.
"We must keep the streets safe and prosperous in places like FarmVille, CityVille, and CastleVille, if Americans are going to enjoy their virtual future. Otherwise, they might have the time to figure out how the banks screwed them and we will have real trouble in River City."
Acting fast and furiously, the Justice Department has already drafted plans to enhance "Facebook functionality," according to a DoJ spokesperson.
"We plan on combining Facebook with our national Mug Shot program. We'll rig it up so that we can bring in any American for questioning just by saying 'cheese.' "
"Of course, we anticipate civil libertarians protesting such a move, but there's not much they can do because Facebook doesn't have a 'dislike' button."