Written by IainB
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Sunday, 17 June 2012

image for New flavours of crisps to hit the shelves
Nobody will be able to look at the humble crisp in quite the same way again.

Blumenthal crisps are set to push the boundaries of crisp (potato chip)manufacturer in the coming weeks as they launch their "Why didn't somebody think of this sooner" crisps.

"The last major innovation in crisp flavours was tomato sauce," said Heston Blumenthal, experimental chef and owner of Blumenthal crisps. "And that was in the eighties."

According to Blumenthal, all the other flavours have been around for decades, with only minor variations.

"For example, ham and mustard is really smoky bacon," he said. "They call it something different, and it fools the brain into thinking it is. If you put smoky bacon and ham and mustard in the same bowl and mix them up, you'd be hard pressed to say which was which."

Now Blumenthal crisps are set to unleash a new range of flavours on an unsuspecting world.

"We're starting with some healthy options," said Blumenthal. "Apple flavour, orange flavour and banana flavour crisps. These are going to form the core of our fruit range, which we will expand into more exotic fruit flavours, like rhubarb and lychee at some later date."

Blumenthal reckons that the treat flavour range will be a better seller among the younger end of the market.

"We're also going to launch popcorn, chocolate, mint and candy-floss flavour crisps," he said. "Obviously, these are not going to be to everyone's taste, but I think they will sell well."

Finally, in an attempt to break the monopoly of pub snacks, there will be the pub range.

"Obviously there's peanut flavoured crisps," said Blumenthal. "But we're also going to be a little more daring and do some whisky, some lager and Guinness flavours. These will actually have a little alcohol in them, just to add a frisson of piquancy. This means that they will only be available to adults, even though you'd have to eat about five hundred bags to go over the limit."

The final range is the dessert range.

"We're still working on the dessert range," said Blumenthal. "This means they won't be available until later in the year. However, New York Cheesecake, Black Forest Gateaux and trifle flavour crisps are coming along apace. Tiramasu and cherry bakewell are proving a little trickier. We're also going to produce festivities themed crisps, such as mince pie and Christmas pudding."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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