Written by Chrissy Benson
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

image for Americans Anxiously Await Matt Damon's Views on Wall Street Abuses and Economy
Desperate for guidance in a tumultuous economy, Americans are "banking" on the advice of documentary narrator Matt Damon.

Many people, including politicians Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, author/activists Charles Ferguson and Noam Chomsky, and economists Larry Summers and Raghuram Rajan, have weighed in on (or denied) the fraud, political manipulations and criminal wrongdoings perpetrated by major financial institutions like J.P. Morgan Chase and Morgan Stanley. However, Americans are still anxiously waiting to hear from one key financial figure on the subject: Matt Damon, narrator of the Academy-Award-winning film Inside Job, which documents the 2008 financial crisis.

"I saw the movie, and you could tell he knew what he was talking about," said Wall Street worker Stephanie Douglass, who manages the area's most profitable Starbucks. "Those other guys are just talking heads. Matt'll give it to you straight."

Grant Howland, a student at New York's Fashion Institute of Technology, echoed the sentiment.

"Honestly, economics aren't my thing. The only way I'll ever be able to get this stuff is if Matt explains it. Plus, his voice is so soothing. It just makes it all more pleasant to think about."

Matt Damon's financial expertise is possibly even more sought after in the greater Boston area, where the actor was born and raised.

"The cool thing about Matt Damon is he's not only a good talker, but he can take action when necessary," commented Berkelee School of Music student Guillermo Rodriguez. "He's really effective in the academic role he plays in Inside Job, but then in documentaries like Bourne Identity, you see that he's also willing to step up and make things happen. I'm certainly not going to make any investments until I hear what he has to say about the economy."

Rodriguez's girlfriend, Amanda Ferguson, agreed. "Matt inspires trust. He makes you feel safe. In fact, just listening to him talk eliminates all my insecurities. The perfect prescription for securities fraud!"

Make Chrissy Benson's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 3?

1 9 25 7

Go to top